Dear Christian Girl...

If I were younger, I wouldn't have access to this words, please forgive me for being "old"! [I can identify the source of the words below on request, is not my intention to plagiarize...]
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Dear Christian Boy,
You are such an incredible Godly boy. I'm so glad you go to your accountability groups. I am so happy to know you are trying *to* so hard to be pure for me. I'm so amazed that you are saving yourself for me. And I really I'm overwhelmed that you are learning to look at my heart and see my soul. I'm so glad you want to wait to kiss me. I know you respect me so much that you want to make certain that you know all about me before we give any of ourselves to one another. I am so blessed.

But Christian boy. I have to confess. I'm not all I appear to be. I too go to accountability groups. But I don't tell you because I'm embarrassed. You don't know that I struggle too. I try so hard to be pure for you, but some days I just can't. And I haven't saved myself for you. My past is coloured and you wouldn't be my first. I try to love your soul and heart, and I do. But sometimes I look at you and love--lust for--what I see. Sometimes I don't think so much about how incredibly caring you are, but how much I really ache for you. I don't want to wait to kiss you. I just want to kiss you and I want more than that. I am so guilty.

Christian boy, I don't understand how I can be a woman and be satisfied with the affection of a thirteen year old boy on a first date. I don't understand how the women I see around me are so passionate and forward in their relationships with men, and yet I am told to wait. I must wait for you to come to me, for you to initiate anything, for you to propose, for you to marry me so I can feel the feelings that the Church tells me I don't have. Yes I do struggle with self esteem and some days I lack the confidence to look you in the eye. But I struggle with more than that. I am so confused.

You see, Christian boy, I don't want to neglect what God tells me about marriage and sex. I don't want to fall to sin. I just want to be honest. I want you to understand I am a woman, fully and wholly. I want you to understand that I struggle as you do. I don't want to be embarrassed by that anymore. I don't want it to be taboo anymore. I want to talk about it with other women, with you, and know that there is not judgment but acceptance. I am so scared.

Christian boy, I'm so scared that when you know about my past, know all that I feel and struggle with, when you know who I am you won't want me. Can you just tell me it's ok? Please.

Love, Christian Girl --------------

"Why were you in the hospital?" [K]

The last time I was discharged after a shorter stay of only 3 days, I still remember what my spiritual director, DK had to say as a parting comment before we said our goodbyes to that leg of my spiritual journey: "It is now time to be finished with the little m, ministry and move into the big M, Ministry..."
"I have learned to hold things loosely so God will not have to pry them out of my hands." [O post]

The reason why my M processes seem to always M is getting clearer to me now so now that I am aware of the final destination and I am aware of why I seem to live exactly, like in the Star Trek The Next Generation Cause and Effect episode, 3 kilometres of a significant landmark here in M; I don't really foresee too many more extended hospital stays upcoming in my future. Just like in the game of S, perhaps now I know what it really means to S out. It is not unusual that God will use movies to speak to me at times because I watch so many of them, which is going to change in the upcoming future as I have other things I could be doing with my time besides watching films. However, speaking of S, just like the movie with SC and TF in it, I now know the meaning of "this is your home". On the topic of significant landmarks though, I noticed one for the very first time on my way back into M when we were passing by the neighborhood of the M house. Speaking of not having my own house though, this is like that line from the HG movie series where it wasn't exactly talking about a WiFi SSID, but I will context-twist it as such: "Remember where the Real power lies..." I think my hospital stay was very as a friend might term it, "progressive" because it allowed me the chance to get to know other ways the Spirit speaks even in the seemingly "insane" but in reality I was able to discern some of the M to the M in what some of those people were saying; including the unique experience of meeting someone only one year older and finding out first hand why being of similar age doesn't M a relationship comprehensively as was the case of M and the initial allegorical "RacheL" who was only 4 M younger than me.

Perhaps then the best way to revise this entry is to do what the nurse suggested and backtrack on all of the three instances I was admitted for extended M care for my 'condition'. The first time I was very far from my https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0195714/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 and was exploring the landscapes of V, which were lovely. Both this time and the third time have the theme from the A movie about being "lost in the woods". Although as the recreation therapist pointed out in the W room that form is important, Consistency is even more so. All three times I ended up in the hospital for an extended stay, the reasoning was consistent in terms of its theme of I seemed to be psychotic and M in terms of my sense of direction.

I have decided to write one entry per each extended hospital visit as it is possibly my words will outlive me and I decided that it would be a very long entry to illustrate what God had taught me through each of the three experiences to do it all up in one entry, thus my next entry will be called "V-isit revisted" or something along those lines to indicate it is from my first stay in H in V, sounds almost like goal tending terminology, laughing out loud.

The thing perhaps most alarming about the recent H stay is the number of auto accidents I got into recently given my clean track or driving record. Furthermore, all of these accidents, including the one my brother did take place in a circuit that I've had many years of experience driving in which should not have changed. This time around the trip also likewise, like the second trip brought me to the C's borders but this time I did have an expired passport on my person which isn't renewed yet. Not that I could find my "fresh start" in a new C anyhow because of the C situation. I do think going to that border as opposed to the Detroit-Windsor one is an improvement on my operating system for lack of a different term as I am now realizing that direction likely also bought me geographically closer to the end goal. Possibly because I'm also, like WS says in that movie, a M magnet and my GPS steered me towards a more recently used border point potentially. One thing is for "damn certain" as the movie quote goes, I don't like to use the word for condemnation personally, is that without data based navigation and sufficient physical and spiritual resources, I ended up taken an extended break in H again because I could not return to within 3km north of the aforementioned landmark...

Accidents too mucho...

"Always Hopes.... Never loves..."

Car problems again? Oh you know it.....