K____ Breaks The Internet [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5848272/?ref_=nv_sr_1]

Although I do have two (newer) commentaries on some other movies sitting in 'draft mode', I feel that after watching this movie around for a lot less than, as "Rachel" put it, "entertainment value" that maybe there was a lot more than just the text/'service/product placements' in this movie I 'might have missed'.

I have to admit, sometime before my '5 years of silence' of no longer using this blog, I did also feel like Princess Vanellope does in this movie when she 'lost her game' (not going to explain too much to avoid 'spoilers'). There was some stuff I likewise felt was 'going wrong' with my life, so I can very much relate to Penelope's feelings in the movie when she 'had to leave her game'.  At the time in my life, there was kind of an element also of 'my world will come crashing down' for me as well; and around the time I started blogging again, I did somewhat feel 'rebooted', not only because I was in a new environment for the most part, but during the ending of 2017, I felt I was having a 'spiritual revival' and I make mention to that here as well: https://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.com/2018/07/8-down-but-not-dead-8-sh.html

As the August 28th, 2012 entry has the following remark "Perfect timing yet again my sovereign Lord, this is perfect reopening post that was sitting as a draft entry on my Blog. " and I also added a YouTube link that is more recent (2017) in there, it stands to reason that actually the very last entry before the '5 years of Silence' was: http://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.com/2012/08/what-if-k-was-one-of-us-just-stranger.html and the 2015 entry kind of 'doesn't count' cause for the most part, it is just a reposting of some really blog old material that are kind of perhaps my own life's "old testament". In addition to that, a lot of that particular body of text or entry is short extracts or 'descriptors' of certain events or parts of my life, so in a way, one might even refer to that entry as the 'Isaiah' of my 'old testament' before the 'silence'. Then later that same year I posted that very last post before the 'years of silence' as the period when no literature which has been accepted into the biblical canon to be included as part of the bible often is referred to, I may have also met the 'Jesus figure' of my narrative before I broke the blog silence and began to blog again in 2017, which is kind of like the beginning to my 'New testament'.

Funny thing is at the beginning of 2011, something happened one night alone with nobody and nothing else present other than a Television and old school VCR that I had decided to watch a little bit of the video-tape available and it was the Mulan movie and it was close to this scene so I stayed for a bit till the end of the Reflection song which is my favorite song of the movie.  This scene was also featured in the movie, as I will now like to switch the gear back to how the narrative of the movie might have been Used to speak into parallels of my own life as well.

There was another funny thing that happened earlier today (December 10th) when I went to the gym.  I started out the day praying that God will guide me throughout the day, whether it be through His word, or circumstances and maybe even trout a dream when I end this day.  So when I was at the gym, I saw this blonde person who looked kind of of what would be a similar statue of the character Calhoun from the Heroes’ Duty Game who ends up as Fix It Felix’s wife of 6 years in the second movie.  So if I am meant to relate to Vanellope through various themes in the movie, another thing that might be relevant is the entire 'gender reversal' in terms of roles.  Like Vanellope is a girl who drives and I'm a male, also when the character Shank says 'Shank you', it reminded me a lot of when 'Harvey Dent' [https://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.com/2008/12/dark-k.html]'s slang he used to use 'spank you'.  The movie also had this idea that a car was one of 'the most sought after items' and those who knew me in my younger days likewise knows that the car I was most associated to at the time, which I have referred to it in several entries as 'the faith mobile' was basically 'the love of my life' at the time.  I think the main reason for this is because 'the car would never leave me' and it wasn't common for some guys of my time to have a car being referred to as their 'wife' or they personally would refer to their car as their 'wife'.  For me personally, I feel the best part of the relationship I had with the car was, I was 'able to get out what I put in', the car served me well and I felt that all the time and money I put into maintaining that car paid back dividends.

Also the whole "D-R-E-A-M game" there might as one of my profs from seminary had put it, also be 'pregnant with meaning' there.  Although this is probably. Bit too personal to be sharing bout in explicit  subjective detail here, it is something that my be another interesting ‘clue’ or as I like to call them’breadcrumb’ in the movie that indicates it is meant to Speak to me even though I initially thought maybe it didn’t really have anything to Say to me in that regard perhaps.  Let’s just say this last quote and Vanellope’s word choice here, each letter of the word DREAM matches an Initial of people I known throughout my lifetime.

'Crazy Spiritual Christians' [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3104988/?ref_=nv_sr_1]

I would have to say it has likely been a good 7 years since No Strings Attached [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1411238/?ref_=nv_sr_1] that a movie has been able to iHebrews 4:12 'touch me personally' this deeply. 

I want to introduce my infamous 'Christian commentary' on this movie in that I am sure one of the reasons this movie was successful is because a lot of people can relate to the story lines and contexts in this movie.  Even if you're not even in a romance personally right now, kind of like how some people think I was 'quite in love' with my 'faith mobile', regardless of whether you have someone like that in your life, own a car or whatever; I'm sure there is something you can relate from the scenarios in that movie to your own for a lot of the audience members.

I realize that the author was likely, my guess anyway, just looking for 'a very American name' when he/she picked "Rachel" to be the female protagonist in the story, but ironically many parts throughout the theme I couldn't stop thinking about how much she kind of looks like a Asian version of Kristen Bell and how she was also "Rachel" in the movie Like Father [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7170950/?ref_=nv_sr_1].  I can relate a lot to Like Father as well, except in that movie I would say I relate a lot more to a female character than a male one. 

As I hope to sleep soon, I will try not to get into too involved of a commentary and maybe also just leave this as another [Post in Progress] cliff hanger.  Some of the elements of the movie that really 'had me going' or as I like to refer to it as 'mind and tear ducts blown' but a part of me also feels like I am in a "Nick" of a situation in that my mom is kind of also like a Monster in Law [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369735/?ref_=nv_sr_1] and similar to the movie where there is kind of a 'inheritance ring' involved, I wonder if perhaps also the reason why mom keeps withholding mine from me and I might likewise like Nick's father in the movie end up having to do my own thing when it comes to 'the ring', but like my own version of "Colin" would say, 'it's not the ring that matters'. 

This is kind of a big spoiler for a movie that hasn't yet been released on DVD nor TV yet, but I think 'the kicker' for me that really makes me kind of 'sad', is how divergent the ending of the movie is from the narrative of my own life right now with my "Rachel" of a situation. :'(

Ok, maybe I'll [Post in Progress] then...

'Now these *3* remain'...(original title: "...glowing mushroom...")

Recently I haven’t had a lot of time to keep updated on my blogS :P, too much going on with trying to change my current employment situation in addition to trying to get myself back into 'work-study-mode' for school.  I have also recently been encouraged to also go back to old fashioned pen and paper diaries again.  I suppose those can contain the really really "beneath the surface" parts of the 'life-of-agent-k'. 

I have been leading a busy life as of late that is for sure, but 'that's how I am'.  Always trying to use 'busyness' to avoid dealing with the critical issues of life.  A friend of mine suggested recently that my lack of independence has a very strong co-relation to my self esteem issues.  So due to trying to make use of the few 'quite waking hours' I get in a week while I need to drive as that is often the few moments I get to be truly 'alone' (aside from Jesus being present) in a given week and trying to get back into my previous patterns of "faith drive"s, which is also what gave the first long-term vehicle I used to drive the nickname 'faith-mobile' in the first place.  Ironically, the steady increase of 'absurd, aggressive and/or dangerous drivers' I need to 'watch out for' out there kind of parallels the 'extra distractions' life is bringing in the form of work, school and what not, other circumstances for example that keep me from what my Teaching pastor recently refers to as a 'effective meditative state/practice' in my spiritual life as per being able to have that 'calmness' in my 'driving life'. 

I had a dream almost a decade ago now that perhaps God was also speaking a context of I need to consider the two sedans we used to own prior to the SUV as 'one vehicle', so I will reference that as the "faith-mobile" era.  And then the brief period of having the SUV, as I likely mentioned in other blog entries before, due to it being a larger, 'family sized vehicle' with 'room to grow', it brought back some renewed sense of hope like the premise of Star Wars episode 4 in terms of 'I hope to drive my kids in this vehicle someday', though that might still be possible as I can get into later, but now need to summarize what potentially can justify naming the current vehicle the other term in the bible, which to be honest at first seemed very challenging to do so based on the very beat up condition we the vehicle was when we originally obtained it. 

In a way when I 'think about it first' a little now, the original title of "glowing mushroom" does kind of still make sense for the title of this blog.  As per actual effect of the "glowing mushroom" in Mario Kart, it gives the user/kart a huge quick 'speed boost' which aside from it being part of the lyric of the Sam Hart original, does kind of feel like where my life is at right now, a 'fast-forwarding' mode.  Which is perhaps what JG was perhaps alluding to a bit the last time we had an extended conversation that she thought maybe I'm trying to 'rush into a lot of things at once', something along those lines I guess.  Although, my other friend, EW, kind of sees things as quite the opposite, and he likely thinks a "glowing mushroom", more like the context in the song, is exactly what is needed for me, first, I'll quote the lyrics of that part of the song:

The blue shell is coming
So I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
It'll hit me instead
But never look back
Cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you

Bridge:
Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Just Eat this glowing mushroom
And they'll all fade away

[https://genius.com/Sam-hart-mario-kart-love-song-lyrics]

In the real game play of the Mario Kart game, being hit by a blue shell often brings you from first/pole position to further behind the lead cause it 'temporarily disables' your kart/vehicle and then it gives the racers behind a golden opportunity to catch up, even the more devious ones that normally have slower acceleration and can be more depend on such variables to win a race like "Bowser or DK" but the "golden mushroom" actually boosts both your acceleration and top speed momentarily which can allow a person to 'get back to the lead'.  In many ways, having a vehicle again opens up more doors in terms of accessibility of different jobs that normally can be either extremely difficult or nearly impossible to access easily by transit as well as get me to other places like church quicker, so it very much aside from potentially being what I gathered tonight God might be saying is the 'love mobile' or in other words, 'the missionary mobile' (because mission work ought to be done with love) as well as allowing me to reach more places to be in fellowship with other believers, it does open more doors that way that even though I likely kind of fulfilled the "seven year sabbath" prophecy I was given when I broke my 'ring finger' years ago, I am now able to swing back into the 2 Timothy 4 for Him...

(and as for the 'ring finger' follow up story, as BC likes to put it, 'well that's another entry...')

(8) Down but not dead... (8) [SH]

...perhaps it is B's recent teaching on Genesis 18, but recently I have been reflecting upon whether all of my numerous physical injuries and impairments this year have anything to do with the context of Nolan's Batman movies. I have also decided to do this post a little bit 'in the middle of the plot already' compared to some of my other entries.  If you perhaps want a refresher as to some of the background narrative, one possible starting point for that is another entry I have posted here some years earlier titled "The Dark K"...

I have also been thinking about Bane's line from the final movie: "So you came back to die with your city..." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tR5VA-VorZQ]  I have to admit, initially when I moved back here, I might have felt like that quite a bit.  My spiritual director had told me perhaps it would be a good opportunity for me to practice missions within a household context, but sometimes like Bane and Raz-Algoh, a part of me allows the enemy to doubt if 'this city' can ever be saved.  I particularly liked how the in the follow up message, how B kind of followed perhaps in 'Dr B's' (she said this was her nickname) mentality of 'making things more personal' when she said: "I don't like how the bible refers to her as 'the Samaritan woman' [John 4], let's make it more personal, let's give her a name... let's call her Samantha the Samaritan." *3* Questions were also posed at the end of the teaching which I feel a strong conviction to address for myself personally and somewhat publicly though this blog here:

1. What "group think" have you allowed to shape you?

2. Are you willing to stand up for what is right -- and pay the price?

3. Are you willing to leave the "city" if it cannot be changed?

Because of the unwritten 'anonymity rules' I have with this blog, I will opt not to name the city I reside in, nor provide a link to the sermon I am referencing.

1. What "group think" have you allowed to shape you?

Due to various experiences I have had to contend with over the years, including firsthand experiences or witnesses of violence, a part of me has compromised into thinking that this current city I reside in is a sort of 'Gotham' or 'Sodom and Gomorrah' [Genesis ##:#]....On numerous occasions I have personally firsthand witness the aftermath of some sort of violence or theft, in some cases theft valued at under $2 (MSRP).  But seriously.... $2?  Is that how much a person's conscience is worth nowadays?  Assuming that something like theft will bother that person committing the theft in the first place. 

On a more individual level, I have also perhaps allowed my biological mother's 'group think' after my dad's passing that ministry isn't God's long term plan for me to lead to a lot of chaos in both my personal and spiritual life over the last few years.

Perhaps with this (and perhaps more) upcoming job interviews I have coming, it is God's way of providing me an Exodus [Exodus] out of this slavery and bondage I am under and 'Exodus' is still the correct theme and thinking after all.

2. Are you willing to stand up for what is right -- and pay the price?

There are several ways I feel I can answer/respond to the first dilemma present above, potentially I can try to Balance out more the jobs I applied to that are ‘clearly far from “Gotham”’ with the ones within as currently there is a higher skew towards jobs within at the moment and in the interim give greatest consideration to ‘what is the plan’ during my present stay in “Gotham”.  Yes it has been unfortunate that people have at times either stolen or attempted to steal my bicycle as well as mom pointed out, perhaps our HP vehicle was likewise damaged from a theft attempt when we initially got it as we never had a check engine light come on when we drove it home from Markham afte changing the ownership over to my mom.  Regardless of whether that is true or not, I find respect and tolerance for one’s ‘fellow man’ on a steady decline here in “Gotham”.

Upon reflection on how I might 'stand up for what is right' in my life or what that might look like, I feel there are several dimensions in what shape that can take depending on the context.  One, when it comes to this city being like 'Gotham' for example, there are several approaches to be considered here.  When I go back to the example narratives from movies, there is what Alfred said in The Dark Knight Rises about 'moving on'.  I feel the worse thing to would perhaps be doing what Peter Parker did in Spider-Man 2 and simply turn a blind eye to the crime and other things that 'should not be happening' that are happening around him in his city.  On the other hand, as I felt the Spirit had reminded me of lately, kind of yet another quote twist of that quote I often like to quote from The Hunger Games Catching Fire, 'Remember who the Real Radioactive Spider Is...' That is, Jesus is that spider.  What I mean by this, is that only Jesus can be the proper catalyst for any seemingly miraculous, but positive change.  I also feel that I too initially in the first few years upon my return to Gotham that I have allowed ‘me first’ or ‘self-centric’ mentality that is our society or prevalent in American culture perhaps into the core of my being too much and have too much influence over my mindset.  Fortunately, perhaps you can consider it a blessing that sometime in the fall of last year God allowed me to have somewhat of a TDKR or Luke 15 type of experience where I was down to a spiritual low point eventually in that aspect of my life and the metaphorical equivalent is when Bruce or Bat_an had a broken leg and no longer really wanted to ‘continue in the good fight to save Gotham’ and just sat very idle.  Basically he was not contributing to making “Gotham” a better place and content to just live away from the spotlight in all aspects of his life during TDKR.  Ok, so you might be asking the logical question, ‘how is this a blessing?’; similar to the contrasting mentality in Romans 7, I would not have known what it means to be in a spiritually ‘higher’ state and how different life can be without also knowing what it is to be in a spiritually lower state as well.  Not that I wasn’t perhaps already in that kind of position before I knew my Heavenly Father, but perhaps it was a good reminder for me what that kind of mentality feels like from a first person perspective.  Unfortunately, this may have had an unexpected repercussion in my relationship with “Rachel” because I have now discerned that maybe getting back to a better place spiritually may have lead to a lot of sudden and unexpected changes for her.

Looking at this from a broader perspective that includes ‘Gotham’’s surrounding regions as well.  I was told by a friend recently, the newly elected regional government is also screwing people by getting rid of tax rebates the previous government used to have like for environmental initiatives like buying Eco-friendly or primarily electric cars.  My mother might be happy about the elimination of environmental initiatives though cause she is sick of my building’s management always hiring people to install new Eco-friendly fridges, lights, toilets, etc to try to utilize tax rebates. However, I feel this will hurt our nation in the long run as we rely a lot on our resources in our economy.  Hence why I've heard if my degree was in a different type of Engineering ie Civil or Industrial there would still be plenty of jobs for me out in a different region if I were to move out to that region.  Unfortunately, this also goes to show that perhaps Gotham and it's nation tends to look only at their own situation and don’t typically elect a government based on what might be best for our nation's present and future as a whole.  

3. Are you willing to leave the "city" if it cannot be changed?

Regarding what I said earlier when I began on the topic of fuel conservation.  Preserving the environment is one thing, but also conserving our resources is important.  There has also been more destruction in "Gotham" lately, violence and severe vandalism.  While it may seem super conservative and somewhat pessimistic to say that this city is potentially slowly becoming one of the worse cities in history in terms of courtesy and perhaps other's well being as well.  I never really worked too many jobs that dealt with the general public on a more regular basis back in the day so apart from myself being out in public, I really don't have that angle of comparison to how the public treats public workers compared to back in the day.  Some years back I had actually more seriously considered leaving "Gotham", but I never had the financial backing to do so.  Applying to jobs through correspondence apparently isn't so easy in recent years.  Recently a friend of mine who is also struggling to find contentment in life is also considering leaving “Gotham”, but he’s apprehensive whether things are really going to better for him elsewhere.  This also leads me to believe that even if we use the Gotham metaphor here to indicate a ‘dump of a place’ that if we try hard enough, it is quite possible to see Gotham in pretty much anywhere.  So hence I think my Pastor’s message was also making reference to the need to separate ourselves from the mentality and influences more so than perhaps the people or places that ‘lead us down that path’.  “Enter through the narrow gate, because the gate is wide and the way is spacious that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14 How narrow is the gate and difficult the way that leads to life, and there are few who find it!” [Matthew 7:13-14]. Although I feel I am in a position spiritually that it isn’t necessarily to completely physically or emotionally separate myself from people who can potentially lead me to sin, I also can agree with the need to still ‘guard my heart’ and maintain spiritual boundaries in the way I relate to people in order to do His work without compromising myself [John 15, Romans 12].  However, I am not ascribing that there aren’t times where removing one self from physical places or people won’t actually be fruitful especially if God is opening the doorway to do so like when God is removing Lot and his daughters from Sodom and Gomorrah as per the example of my Pastor’s message.

Earlier today for whatever reason during some quiet reflection time I thought about the example of Coach Orion from the third Disney Mighty Ducks movie and how ‘he simply made a different choice...’ to sacrifice his potential hockey career for the sake of being able to stay to take care of his daughter.  And it lead me to reflect upon my own life and I feel maybe one of the reasons why I feel I relate so much to the Nolan Batman character is my Faith and my circumstances surrounding how I am and could be serving Him amidst my circumstances.  As anybody who might be following my blog knows, potentially even this medium can be used as a 'bible like' text that chronicle's my own life events and is one of the reasons why I also kind of identified myself with the biblical King David at times previously too.  Given how many times God has Lead me to change employment, I feel that circumstances such as education and employment can be more classified as 'short term' where as other things like my singleness and living at home, I would classify as being 'long term'.

I would rather think that to go by what a lot of others to say that people who have the alleged ‘gift of singleness’ have the gift of time.  Although some years I perhaps didn’t make use of the time as well as I could have, recently with my ‘spiritual revival’ I have tried to “But we will devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word” [Acts 6:4] and tried to put more energy and time particularly into prayer for myself and others.  So I’ve invented a new ‘super hero identity’ that sounds almost like a taboo Cantonese slang word 😂LOL, TPK, AKA The Prayer Knight.  I would hope this is perhaps the real meaning behind why I felt some months ago God reminded or impressed upon me “because I can take it..” That He has a Reason behind Leading me to these circumstances.  Aside from this one ambition that potentially can still happen one day, being a CEO with a huge company which I had seen as a potential future for myself since Grade 7, another thing I feel I am either, 'giving up' or perhaps the way to make it 'sound better' is to say 'giving over' to God right now is my continued singleness, small price to pay over not serving Him I suppose as after all, even this while 'longer term' is still not as long as eternity...


“...because people deserve to have their Faith rewarded...” -The Prayer Knight [and The Dark Knight]

i”Take it back...” ‘I’m glad I found OUAT...’ “...me likely...” [Source Available Upon Request]

A ‘certain narrative’ has come to an end, but like a lot of recent narratives I’ve seen lately, the ending is kind of “open ended” and leaves everyone with a “the story is to be continued” kind of feeling.  As I was telling my fRiend earlier, I didn’t quite like how near the end a lot of tragic things were happening to basically the person who sort of became the or at least one the main “protagonists” in the story and ended up betrayed and in a pretty bad situation/spot in the final season of the storyline.

However, eventually things got to a better spot for this protagonist as it often does for most fictional storylines but at least not too unrealistically ephoric of an ending that the viewers might have found it ‘too cheesy’ perhaps.

I started watching this series in 2012 or maybe 2013, I can’t really remember when it was already not still in its Pilot season showing on live TV.  I eventually did watch it from the beginning and really found the irony in the first/Pilot season has so much significance, even if you already know what some of the story line is like down the road.  It does get a bit repetitive cause there’s always some ‘big villain’ to overcome and somewhat similar to other shows in that way, but overall I enjoyed it and I don’t mind that I don’t have to keep following yet another series in addition to the two main other ones I am following amist my future plans to go back to studying/school... I will miss it though..I really enjoyed the music as well as the theme of always persisting in doing the right thing and never giving up.

(8) When you get that feeling.... you need spiritual healing.... (8)

Apparently, the other day one of my friends I met one time at the joint church events was not familiar with Microsoft Messenger and did not realize that "(8)"s were previously used to get the emoticon of music notes. Anyhow, I don't know if everyone knows which song I'm trying to parody, but I mean it in a very much more Christ centered way. It's been quite interesting to know a lot of people around me recently are being vulnerable and experiencing some struggles and difficulties with life that I too have some experience with as I too know what it's like to experience many degrees of loss on various levels.




Something great and as my Christian counselor put it happened this year (I originally started this entry at the end of 2017), I got to the point where I realized that compared to before, I was not everything I ought to be spiritually and I knew that I could be better in that area.  So I asked God to allow me to experience spirituality and other aspects of life as I had before.  Earlier today I was listening to a audio file MB made about what he deemed to be appropriate persistence in pursing someone romantically.  He did use the word "creepy" multiple times and it reminded me of that song God used to speak to me during that time.  I was downstairs in the PG working on the HP one time and singing other typical 'praise' songs to God.  Then I found myself singing Creep by Radiohead.  I feel the significance of this was it was as if God was telling me He was like a or that 'Creep': "I want you notice... when I'm not around..." [https://genius.com/Radiohead-creep-lyrics] Not that God/Jesus is ever not around but more like even when I thought God was distant, God had always been there and He wanted me ‘to notice’. Also you could say that God is the most ‘persistent lover’ and is always pursuing us even after we may have tried to push Him aside so therefore if anyone could be called ‘Creepy’, that would be Jesus.

Based on the fact that the entry got retracted or drafted by whoever is my 'blog moderator' when I first wrote it initially after having watched the movie with some friends from church, that perhaps it is for the best I don't get too specific into the movie's details.  I shall then therefore refer to that movie as the TR movie.  There was a particular scene in the TR movie where T says he is not ‘as strong’ but instead The Father tells him that he is actually ‘stronger’.  I was at the point in my life where I thought maybe I couldn’t be as strong in my faith and conviction as I was before and I was asking God to make me somewhat closer to the level of faith I once was as well as telling Him I don’t know if I am as strong in my faith as I once was due to my current circumstances and where I was at in my journey in life too with my father passed away but likewise the Father also affirmed me that I was ‘stronger’ actually =)

PS meet_ the Child of God...

AKA 'Time for The Author' AKA ' (8) I'm coming back to the heart of writing... (8)'... Many things happened this week that do give me inspiration from God that I really need to pick up the pace on my book writing, I may not have enough time to cover them all right now, especially since I'll be at my workplace for 9 hours later, but I might add more to this entry later on.

Recently, when I celebrated my friend's Birthday with him, God worked something 'interesting' through my decision not to continue to wear down the expensive tires on mom's vehicle due to the worn front suspension components.  Rear suspension is also leaking and I've no idea about that no-name tire on the back, but anyhow I'm getting off topic.  So while I was waiting for the bus, I over heard some of the discussion between two other individuals and they started talking about people killing other people, particularly in the context of Jihad so I decided to participate a bit and mention also how the people who are participating in 'holy war' do seem to perceive that they are indeed doing 'the right thing'.  The cool thing that happened was me and the guy who didn't hop onto the other bus started to get into a conversation as we were waiting for the express bus to square one.  And at first we were just exchanging ideas about God in general.  Then about 30 seconds in for me, I realized this person was looking to engage me in a conversation about Jesus.  At first I was contemplating just telling him that I'm a Christ follower to 'cut to the chase', but then I decided maybe it would be more fruitful for me to learn about how other people approach this conversation instead and 'just go with it'.  I ended up discovering his heart for the gospel and evangelism and that he also used to attend the same UC&Seminary as me in the past and we ended up having a pretty cool and fruitful conversation. One thing that I will highlight is that we talked about Bruxy's message from last Sunday and how he liked the story, but also I pointed out that though we have some similarities (in our backgrounds), I also come from a slightly different perspective because "I'm not married yet" [Urbana Single in Missions Workshop]

Actually, the age my friend who was celebrating his birthday turns on Sunday, it goes with my original title of the book, but I happen to find if I were title my book as the same title as this blog entry, it just seems to have more intrigue to it.  Also I recognize some incidental irony that is not just KB and BB's 'wedding anniversary', but that 'a K' also shares a birthday with 'the allegorical RacheL' [http://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.ca/2008/12/dark-k.html , http://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.com/2018/05/time-to-wrap-this-up-sheep.html]...

Hang man...

I realized in a lot of the recent posts to this blog I've left it with a [Post in Progress] and didn't really complete the posts in the time frame I had in mind.  As it has been recently with a lot of things in my life not being complete with "the time frame I had in mind".  However, I am also trying to gradually get into the habit of being a lot more productive to gear myself back into work-study mode. I realize that I've basically "left readers hanging" on a lot of my recent posts, so I will try my best to come to some sort of logical conclusion before posting this post. Recently I've been trying to get into the habit of reading the bible as well as other literature, including Christian literature more often in preparing for returning to school. One of the books I've read recently was Crash the Chatterbox by SF cause it was given/lent to me by a long time friend, ML. 

I also have different things I am working on writing/typing wise though as well which is why I haven't been updating as much as I have been in the past.  I would like to give a short update as to how my year has been going so far on the 'surface level' as per the format of this blog.  I've also been occupied a lot of days with the additional task of commuting a lot to a more client focused type job.

I have decided to do a little something different with this post and do a little something I haven't been doing on this blog before in a more formal way and that is do a book review.  I don't recall if I've formally dedicated a blog entry primarily and explicitly to a book review before but this entry is intended to do something along those lines.  The book I was reading was the following:

Crash the Chatterbox by SF, I intentionally did not type out his full name so that those new to reading my blog will understand the convention I use in attempts to maintain a certain degree of anonymity in this blog. This is the first book I've read so far by this author and it isn't bad.  There were definitely some chapters and illustrations I liked more than others in it.  The main premise of the book is not to allow other "voices" in our lives drown out God's "voice" and how to see ourselves in the light of our true identity in Christ.  I definitely like this topic!  As the saying goes "the small still voice of God", SF, the author, also does an expository of 1 Kings 19 and mentions this example of how God "whispers".  He mentions several sources of how we have difficulty not just 'listening' but 'trusting' in what God says and promises to us and about us in his word i.e. the "fearfully and wonderfully made" from Psalm 139:14 I can't recall if I made mention of in another entry. One of the main "chatterbox(es)" he made mention to, that I can remember of the top of my head is how society conditions us to think negatively of our current and future circumstances with condemnation as opposed to hope.  S also uses a similar concept to another author I've been reading, as well as a question BC answered once on Sunday where he points out it is important to distinguish between 'conviction' and 'condemnation'.  I feel it is also important at this point to illustrate in some summary statements just what is exactly a 'chatterbox'?  For the most part, it is just one's own internal monologue.  Does it perhaps though, include an element of how Satan tries to tempt, challenge and demean us through our inner monologue. 

It is also quite possible SF's title was also inspired by the generic meaning of the word 'chatterbox'. He does point out how our own internal voices can be a 'chatterbox' and this type of mentality we are often exposed to in our society might also be why I recently heard a speaker in our church saying how we all have some degree of "A D D" (Attention Deficit Disorder). I know for a fact that often when I 'lose my chain of thought' when trying to pay attention to something, it can often be what SF might refer to as 'a word of discouragement' from 'the accuser' or 'the devil'.

I find personally, I have an issue with my mom often being a 'personification' of this concept of a "Chatterbox" in my life.  I personally agree a lot also with the author's teaching that it is acceptable we have fallen short in the past, but it is important also not to have our 'failures' to shape us to see ourselves as a 'failure' and also remember we are always loved by God and move on from those moments in our lives to God's higher purpose for us.  I also adhere quite a bit with his teaching on how the voice of doubt often causes us to not feel loved enough to be able to do the good God wants of us and I feel a lot of this has to do with the lack of support, or quite the opposite, the amount of opposition I've always faced from my mother in all aspects and eras of my life as well.  I certainly hope I haven't been also likewise allowing the 'toxic' elements of my relationship with my mom influence me and leading me follow that example in that I had become a "Chatterbox" to my bestest of fRiends =(...

I will end by including all the quotes from the book that are in the speech bubbles:

"The voice you believe will determine the future you experience." [pg 17]

"One of the main reasons we struggle with insecurity: we're compare our behind-the-scenes with everybody else's highlight reel." [pg 34]

"If the enemy can't keep you from winning, he will do everything in his power to keep you from  walking in full awareness of your victory." [pg 48]

"Most of the decisions that send our lives in the wrong direction are the results of us wrongly answering the question 'Did God really say...?" [pg 62]

"You either kick fear out of your heart of it will keep you out of the places God has prepared for you." [pg 77]

"Sometimes the danger of missing out is greater than the risk that comes with stepping out." [pg. 94]
"God whispers because he's close." [pg. 111]

"A believer who is equally convinced of these two realities--sin is serious, but Christ is enough--is the enemy's worse nightmare." [pg. 126]

"God speaks in the past tense about battles you're currently fighting." [pg. 142]

"Condemnation reminds us of our wrongs by showing us our shame, but the spirit convicts us of our sin by reminding us of our righteousness in Christ." [pg. 153]

"My joy is not determined by what happens to me, but what Christ is doing in me and through me." [pg. 170]

"Don't let what you expected keep you from what God wants you to experience." [pg. 185]

"Gratitude begins where our sense of entitlement ends." [pg. 201]

"Time to wrap this up..." ['Sheep', https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1764651/?ref_=nv_sr_3]

I am trying to wrap up my 'blog series' on Buddhism, don't worry, I am not 'done for good' when it comes to public blogging.  However, because I do want to get back to writing my book as well, I likely won't be blogging as often as when I first came 'out of my CAVE' some months ago.  I'm not sure if maybe due to my current transportation situation, I need to be a bit more 'old school' of a writer and go back to using 'pen and paper' more for notes due to my more limited PC access nowadays, but let's get back into 'wrapping up Buddhism'.

Our church's series on Buddhism, brought in a load of topics, Karma, suffering, etc... It also generated an interesting dynamic/tension for me in terms of reflecting on how people say God can be speaking through circumstances. Although I don't agree with their 'Hinduism borrowed' beliefs about reincarnation, nor do I believe God condemns a person forever, and in most cases, not even throughout one's entire lifespan for one's more 'negative' actions, I have recently been reflecting a lot on how God has been working and speaking to me through my own life up to present day. 

I suppose it was only a matter of time that I would end up revisiting some of the 'analogies' God has placed in my life.  I will try to not get too personal in this aspect of this post and also use as little of names as possible in the convention I've been using in most of this blog to maintain anonymity.  So ironically, I am revisiting the same entry that also brings about the issue of 'anonymity' to blog a bit about this aspect of my life -> http://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.ca/2008/12/dark-k.html  Hehe, don't worry, I'm not talking about "THAT" here.  Anyhow, I am going to quote the comment someone had left on this entry that proved without a doubt that at least one person other than myself read(s) this blog:

I also had another entry sitting in 'drafts' I haven't completed yet, but seeing I had a dream last night with that featured this particular 'quote twist': "LOL... why does 'Harvey' have a beard?" I think it might be cool to address the secondary meaning perhaps behind God using this circumstance in my life and what He was speaking through it.  So the capita"L" at the end of "RacheL" in this entry is no mistake, it was my way at the time of denoting who I was referring to and I don't know whether the person who assigned this character's name is Christian or not; but the interesting dynamic here is that although "RacheL" was indeed someone I wanted to be married to (at the time), I suppose the main issue was we not only was our 'timing always off', but we both saw each other more as 'immediate family members' than 'intimate lovers'.  Also the interesting thing is "RacheL" referred to me as 'brother' but I more so referred to her as 'mom' instead.  Interesting that at the time, you could say 3 years [http://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.ca/search?q=*3*] ago before another Hollywood production came out, I had "two moms".  And to "wrap this up" with as little words as possible, both "moms" were opposed to the idea of my beginning my theological/seminary/divinity studies.  So many it's no coincidence when I was Google searching the meaning behind the bible's use of the word "hate" in Luke 14:26 (see also Matthew 10) it also lead me to do a comparison of the wording "not loved" in Genesis 29:31-33. 

I think it came from this website, but it wasn't working for me just now: http://www.tektonics.org/gk/jesussayshate.php

Anyhow, so it ends up this "RacheL" now wants nothing to do with me and I wonder if it is somewhat a foreshadowing of the turmoil loving Christ ends up bringing into my own life regarding my relationship with my biological mother.

i'Beverly'... (8)...should have known...(8) BC might try to Plot Twist me...

So a friend of mine whom I've recently been thinking of as the 'New Agent J' to replace my other friend who's been out of touch lately with not just myself but the church community as a whole ever since he got married I likely won't see at all for the next little while, especially given the recent seemingly divine 'intervention(s)'.  I feel a bit unproductive in terms of my trying to get in the better habit of at being better at reading and writing (or 'typing' as it is nowadays) again given the fact that my previous entry here can I think be given a "10 years (or in this case, 'days') and you're still not finished yet" pronouncement.  Speaking of things not finished 'yet' after a decade.  I actually haven't had a chance to re-read some of my more official texts or perhaps reflect back to what I learned on various faiths say from my high school course.  However, now is not the time so I am debating should I just 'post in progress' again or "work on one post at a time"?  I love the inspiration behind this particular blog though.  Perhaps I'll leave the first one as more theological and this one more personal.

"I pray that God will show you the meaning behind this circumstance..." [PFM]
"The sky's (NOT) the limit..." [JLP] (When you're not 'Pilot-ing')
"That's Princess Royal drive..." ['No E']

iBookMarks:

"I remember my History of Christianity course..." [last day of Pilot-ing]
"Do you remember this one though?" [JC]

Found this one (book) "on top" ['Not the only Lily']:

"A person can be a gift..." [GC]

"...I saw that elbow..." [BC]  The theme kind of matches though....... Hmmmm.... Plus my prophecies are 'not the only' ones that seemed to have come true in un-fore-planned circumstances. 

The difference is, the first context I still had two important friendships in my life and now they are kind of gone, though with Christ, nothing is ever forgotten, only forgiven.  I feel this is one key difference between the Christianity and Buddhist faiths as well.  Again, this is the 'doctrine/theological' post kind of flooding into the 'more personal' one, but I expected there would be some overlap anyhow.  I just hope I have some time to do this entry a bit of justice today.  There were many things I am in need to getting around to today that I haven't yet done.  Anyhow the point I am trying to make is that in Buddhism, all of your actions/faults/'sins' have external consequences, they will stay with you till the next life and not go away. It is not the case with Christianity, you will undoubtedly face a lot of temporal/temporarily consequences, but these won't carry on with you till after you die; the consequences of poor actions and decision making therefore are not eternal.  This is one of the main key differences between the faiths and I wonder how my dad could tell me that he could only find peace with Buddhism given this fact about their religion.  One main similarity is both belief systems seems to follow the 'golden rule' in that you should do unto or treat others the same way you want to be treated or have done to you. 

[POST IN PROGRESS, I may add more when I finally have more time to read the 'theory'/'theology of Buddhism]

"Got ricer...."? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfr2LtKe5cg]

[POST-IN-PROGRESS]

The song linked in my title, my biological brother showed me on YouTube before that has a lot of profanity and course language in it and has the repeating lyric "got rice" in it and I thought about this song for various reasons but the primary reason is I have been reflecting on the topic of Buddhism in the last couple of hours.

I have discerned that one of the major contributors as to why my biological mother is against me going to church and my decision to re-enrol in seminary has to do with what she calls "history repeating itself" and this in itself is somewhat a Buddhist concept.  Possibly, even though she herself is atheist, she was raised with this mentality that things in life can only go bad and perhaps "bad again".  It goes back to the history of the original truths of that religion not just in the whole 'reincarnation cycle' concept but also that life is nothing but misery and suffering. At least their faith is somewhat right about that ladder part, most people will tell you that life does contain a degree of misery and suffering.  However, as I have been saying in a recent entry, the beauty of the cross is that Christ already died to end our suffering so we don't have to earn it with mediating or other 'good works' in hope to earn enough merit or 'peace of mind' to achieve 'nirvana' which is supposed an end to our suffering.  I find the biggest 'challenge' when it comes to the Buddhist concept of Nirvana is how does one know when they have achieved it or not?  My father once told me that he only found "peace" through Buddhism and seemed to imply he wasn't able to do so with Christianity.  I learned from a family friend of my friend who recently passed away that it does seem possible to achieve peace with a Christian faith and she attested that he always seemed to have it.  However, she did not nor did my friend really disclose the 'secrets', if any as to how he overcame them. Personally, I also knew my friend at times did wish certain aspects of his life, such as his work were different.

I feel life is always going to be difficult or maybe the better word is "challenging" but the bible verse I find to be most reassuring is:

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:29-30]

Particularly the last verse, verse 30.  Sometimes I feel people, particularly those who maybe don't understand  the agricultural analogy can potentially misinterpret this verse to think that God will "make life easy" or something along the lines of "your life will magically become better when you're a Christian".  I feel, my dad probably had this kind of thinking towards Religion in general which was why he claimed to have gone over to Buddhism later on in life. He had told me things like: "I used to believe in such things when I was your age..." "Only with Buddhism could I find peace..."




[POST-IN-PROGRESS]

"Forever author of salvation..." [http://www.metrolyrics.com/mighty-to-save-lyrics-hillsong.html]

As mentioned, I was going to try to author another entry prior to Easter Sunday and I have been praying about what aspect of the bible to highlight.  The passage that came to mind was Luke 15.  I was reflecting about that while the moment of God's saving power being displayed on the cross was a grim moment indeed as most people would agree on, however, it was also beautiful in the sense that it was the moment that Christ most related to us.  Similar to another passage I read the other day:


²⁹ For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, ³⁰ since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. [Phillipians 1:29-30, NIV]

I have tried to follow in the Paul's example [1 Corinthians 11:1] in two main aspects in my life, mainly to Phillipians 4:11-14 the two aspects of Paul's life that I very much can relate to in my own life, suffering and singleness.  Right now I might even be experiencing the 2 Corinthians 2:17 regarding my ongoing groin pain(s), yet I try to see this too as just another way I can potentially rejoice in partaking in some of the suffering of the body of Christ. 

Can't believe I had to 'Boogle' (Biblegateway.com search) that first verse from 1 Cor 11, guess I wasn't really paying enough attention while partaking in communion yesterday and only reading the latter half of the chapter to reflect before incidentally our Pastor also decided to read v. 23-26 I believe were the verses she chose. 

Anyways, back to Luke 15, aside from the entire idea of Christ being lost to the Father that moment on the cross [Matthew 27:46, Mark 15:34], I am also reflecting on how people often ask about whether you relate to the 'older son' or the 'younger son' in Luke 15:11-31 and I think about how a lot of Christ's other parallels, he typically only uses the word 'son' to refer to Himself and this is a good passage to remind us that part of Christ's ability to sympathize with our weaknesses included an ability to be tempted [Matthew 4, Luke 4, Hebrews 4:15]. And I would say given what I personally believe on Christ's omnipresence and omniscience that Jesus can relate to both the 'older son' and 'younger son' in this passage. Furthermore this passage is also a good illustration of exactly the kind of grace the power of the crucifixion and resurrection offers us [Luke 15:32], being bought from a life of death back into the full life we are meant to have [John 10:10].  Lastly this 'salvation' isn't just for people who are not yet following in the example of Christ as per the context of a parallel of being an 'older son or younger son', but for all of us, note the present tense of "being made holy" in Hebrews 10:14 and what Paul says about his own salvation in passages like Philippians 1:3-11, Philippians 3:12-14.

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead" [Phillipians 3:10-11]

³⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, ⁴⁰ since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. [Hebrews 11:39-40]

Why do you call that Friday 'Good'?

As Easter approaches, I have been planning to yet again to update this blog. Originally, I had a different title in mind: "the sack of rice" (rhymes with sacrifice). But given the recent circumstance, I definitely do not want to be sadistic and come off as making light of the present situation. If there's anything I've learned is that text is a bad delivery system for humor, especially when you're not intending to be humorous or you are and the other person isn't aware.







I am at a loss of some of the original words I had intended to type into this blog entry as all I can recall is it likely has to do with Christ's sacrifice for others but also a follow up to some of the other topics I have been blogging about recently I think, namely loving others and making sacrifices consistent with the character of Christ.






But before we can get into that, let's once again return to the middle of the 'meat' that is Easter and talk about Christ' situation and meaning behind "Good Friday", 'what is 'so good about it?' these other topics and hopefully I'll post a follow up entry on "Black Saturday", yes I just coined a new holiday.  It is namely I want to give people time and space to 'focus' on some of the things behind the meaning of Easter.  I recall another point I wanted to make had to do with Christ's suffering on the cross I believe not only encompasses the 'weight of sin' at that moment, but also the 'weight of the consequences of those sins' as well which is not something we often consider when we look at the Easter narrative.  However, I would like to assert here that perhaps the author of Hebrews, in Hebrews 6:4-8 is giving a stern warning that those who are not yet living in realization of the consequences of sin aren't really truly alive in the love and light of Christ to begin with.  So what I really love and take away from all of this, is that no matter what I'm going through, the kind of pain I'm experiencing, the trials I face, the crosses I bear, I know that Christ has already bore it all for me that moment on the cross and continues to stir up in my heart hope for seeing this light again in the midst of the darkness I often perceive when going through tough things in this life. 




4. You say to God, ‘My beliefs are flawless
    and I am pure in your sight.’
⁵ Oh, how I wish that God would speak,
    that he would open his lips against you
⁶ and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom,
    for true wisdom has two sides.
    Know this: God has even forgotten some of your sin.

⁷ “Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
    Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
⁸ They are higher than the heavens above—what can you do?
    They are deeper than the depths below—what can you know?
⁹ Their measure is longer than the earth
    and wider than the sea. [Job 11:4-9]

I have also been re-reading some of the biblical passages surrounding Christ's death and once interesting thing to note is that Jesus already predicts people 'pretending to be him' prior to his death and resurrection according to the order of events in Mark 13 and Matthew 24 even though most people perceive this to be a "foretelling", I have learned in theology classes all scripture contains a "forth telling" component' as well.  This used to be a huge psychological fear of mine, that I was in fact the anti-Christ due to how much of Christ was seen to be emulated by me or attributed by others when they say things like "I see Christ in you." I now know this type of reasoning is not of God as why would God want me to reason being too much like Christ is 'dangerous'?  In fact we as Christians should take ownership, humility (based on the Christian definition of this term) and rejoice in Christ's transforming grace and power to become more like him/Jesus; also for the record 'it is NOT crazy to think of yourself as being LIKE Jesus Christ'. =) Perhaps Christ's concern here is mainly that people will grow impatient or doubtful (like Peter did in the 'roster crowing denial story') of Christ's return that they will start to pretend to be Christ before Christ is resurrected in order to give people hope in a time when it seems all hope is lost.  So it is of no coincidence then, in the following chapter of Matthew 25 that Christ talks about various ways of growing our faith in him, while waiting for his return, even if the meaning of these parables wasn't as apparent to his target audience at the time.  And not just 'waiting', but what constitutes as 'meaningful waiting' versus waiting that bears no fruit (note the use of the word "seed" in verse 24 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?earch=Matthew+25&version=NIV).  Most importantly, do not forget the most beautiful quality of being like Jesus is that we like him, are already risen and will continue to 'rise' (see 1 Corinthians 15).  It's definitely a "good" thing to know and eventually develop the wisdom to experience.

"Now we're talking....." [the Joker to Harvey Dent]

Earlier, my local Pastor started a new theme of "God is love" as opposed to my initial guess of "Christ has risen" would be the theme surrounding the weeks leading up to Easter.  God is love does emphasize God's humility rather than power in the Easter narrative so it is nonetheless a wise choice now that I've had some more time to reflect and reminiscence on the meaning of Easter.

Recently, due to some conflicts, I read the following article: http://www.tektonics.org/gk/jesussayshate.php  Despite a personal disdain I have for some of the other parts of Genesis 29 because of a friend I met during my years before seminary once made a joke about some of the contents of this chapter, it is a good passage to parallel some of his main points this morning in terms of how we ought to love others as a result of our love for God.

At face value, it may often be perceived exactly how it is directly quoted in the article or even if translated as "not loved", which is that Jacob despised or did not love Leah.  I feel the key thing to note is that this narrative, assuming it is a true story (seeing it is in the same book as the creation and garden of Eden stories which people have often brought into question their factual/historical accuracy) is that Moses and God are not necessarily trying to say Jacob completely despised Leah, but likely instead that he didn't give her the 'rightful place in his heart'.  Similar to the preceding narrative in which he 'stole Esau's blessing' because Jacob himself already felt cheated he wasn't given the 'rightful place' in Isaac's heart because he was not the firstborn twin. 

So here is the 'punch line', basically, to tie in what I got out of the teaching/message this morning regarding how this ties into how we love other people because of God's great love towards us.  If you look at the covenant meaning of marriage, you will see that basically Jacob is the bible's first example (when you are reading it from left to right like any other book) of someone who is married to multiple spouses, so the interesting concept here is that he has basically has a covenant obligation to love both unconditionally and above all other members of the opposing gender, given what marriage ought to mean.  My study bible also points out that the actual meaning of his wives' names are as follows, Leah means Cow and Rachel means Ewe (female version of sheep), as it says 'common for someone like Laban who was a farmer to use these names'.  Later on in the Exodus narrative, a calf/cow is used to symbolize idolatry (Exodus 32) and a lamb used to symbolize deliverance (Exodus 12).

In order for my point to make sense in this context, you need to equate or parallel Jacob's love to Rachel to our love for Christ (Genesis 22:8, John 1:36, Revelation 5:6) and our love for other people to Jacob's love for Leah.  Although, I don't personally assert we need to 'earn' God's love in any way similar to the manner Jacob had to continue working before he was given Rachel in marriage, I feel the passage of "So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her." (Genesis 29:22) does a very good job of outlining how easy it can be to love others when our relationship with God is 'given it's rightful place' in our lives. =)

"What if the ultimate goal is to become more Christ-like?"

I am a bit surprised and find myself a little out of character that this verse has been on the back of my mind the entire day but I actually haven't been to the website at all till the time stamp shown here in the picture!  Well I'm sure this kind of thing has happened before, I just find the experience very ironic given the other things I have been praying about today is all...

So recently apart from realizing that life isn't always what you expect and the irony that apart from what a lot of people might have also thought, about how I am still at a 'living at home situation' even after these years of yearning to be in a different situation and slowing likely hardening my heart towards God as a result; I realize that life isn't what I expected, but "it's OK"... I would also like to believe that God made me lose a lot of the things I really wanted to keep in life in order to 'Exodus' my heart from the hard place it was likely in to bring it to the 'the rock' which is Christ and the Church and when I say church, I don't just mean believers in my current local church or people I know recently, I have now "un-suppressed" many memories of people Christ has brought into my life through various aspects of my journey, even those who have brought some degree of pain in my life and those who betrayed or rejected God's gift of loving grace in their lives.

I have also come to realize that given the very specific spiritual gift sets, my general interests and the people God often brings into my life that I tend to find more joy loving and ministering to, a part of me also feels 'the gift of marriage' will likely never be a part of my life; but I think my community can respect the way I love God, typically includes never seeking a spousal partner and that I have a healthy self-respecting viewpoint likewise on this manner then "I have not sinned" and I can be content in continuing to love God and others in spite of my ongoing social status in this regard.  There was also an element in a recent dream where I was a 'soldier dying in battle for the good of the team' which seems indicative potentially that my life is very much more literally representative of that of Christ which also could potentially also mean I won't ever live a physical/temporal life that fosters a good or Christ honoring context for me to raise children.

That's not to say that I won't one day potentially find joy in one day meeting someone who may also have either a very similar mindset/gifting towards life or one that is different yet very much complements my own in a way that can bring about that kind of union in a fruitful way that will be both unique and beautiful in God's eyes, I just don't see it right now or have had God reveal this to me and whoever that person is yet...Even if that person could potentially be a future version of someone I already know.

I continue to pray that through all of my experiences, God will continue to allow me to persevere in all things, trust in all things and most importantly love in all things.  As someone I know in ministry put it once: "To see God work through your circumstances..." or something along those lines.

iSTV: Counterpoint Episode and "to the journey..."

OK, let me clarify one thing off the back regarding this spur of the moment entry that "I didn't expect to end up here either..." this is NOT just about marriage...

OR perhaps if you look at it from the biblical perspective as per what BSM (hehe, M this time, not F haha...) had to say about Christ still looking as us as his bridegroom, then maybe it has EVERYTHING to do with marriage....

I just mean, this entry will contain very little context about a one on one relationship between humans...

I had consider writing this some hours ago, but I allowed myself to "get in my own way" and didn't get around to this, as 'someone' once put it, perhaps: "I need to get this out first..." It's actually really late into the night, but this wouldn't be the first time I find myself ministering, whether it only be to myself, through my blog "in this way..."

Also, the odd thing is I've found myself with another 'unusual' or as my 'counterpoint' used to call it 'weird' thing happening is I'm experiencing another unexplained technical glitch that YouTube won't work in Mozilla, yet it will on other browsers, none the less, I 'get the message'. It's probably a reminder of quotes from the movie I like so much, Click, but I now realize that maybe God's also like, well you like it for OTHER reasons too or you OUGHT to... "Life's too short, it's time for the REAL thing..."

So of course, this begs the question I had a very "I can't really keep quiet!" about it experience this entire month or maybe 6 week period to remind me of all the things He put me through, what exactly is "the REAL thing"? Just two dogs 'humping' a stuffed duck like what I saw the dog at my very first regular HC at my local church do before once in a REAL life scene? "Real life" is the REAL thing here, I am asserting.

Recently a friend of mine also was expressing his distaste for "Christian" movies cause they aren't 'real' enough, to some degree, I think unlike some like perhaps, The Passion of the Christ, which still have a degree of that 'inspiration' thing in it too, they are mostly meant to either entertain or inspire too, true, but I do generally agree with him that a genuine Christian life will not always play out the way it does in the movies.

The speaker at the Fluid conference brought up an interesting concept about how we need to allow ourselves to be in the proximity of those who are suffering or 'broken'... as it also can be 'quote twisted' from the Counterpoint episode "Brokenness does seem to be the theme for this month/February..."

And what I think people don't always realize is that, persecution is more like the complacency mentioned by Warsach (not going to go on another website to look this up) in the movie Watchmen and less like all those 'more extreme cases' like Martyrdom... In fact, death in most cases is easier, after all, we don't experience 'the cross' like Jesus did in terms of 'the weight of the world on his shoulders' as the saying goes, but do we not now? We only think we don't...

I get the impression when I finally had a longer one on one, man on man conversation with my former longer term Pastor that he feels I may have some more work to do on myself first before I can 'help' or 'work' on or with others... which I am not refuting/denying, BUT.... who doesn't? (aside from Jesus of course)... Does God not mold us? Are we not broken vessels? Like the 'chipped cup' in The Beauty and the Beast? Are we not 'children' or part of the Father's unfinished work?

I am intentionally leaving out all the scriptural references here for sake of time, but if you have any biblical background, you'll realize a lot of what I do say in my everyday including this blog, has at least some very direct scriptural basis/parallels.

I'm not saying I disagree with him (my Pastor) that we don't all need to 'stay alive' or 'be made complete' in Christ in order to continue to be effective image bearers as I have more to say or reiterate on why I feel health and exercise and stuff like that is important, but, again, 'the sake of time...'

So where am I "going with all this"? I've realized in the past few months, that what my friend and brother had to say "I know there must be a purpose for you to endure all this suffering..." -DF (or something along those lines) is now resonating more truthfully.  I've come to the point where I realize, God has NOT be absent in it all, maybe only "The Real Prince Kevian" has... compared to others I may have less, but compared yet to some others, I actually have more... In retrospect, I feel I ought to adopt the same attitude I am praying others will adopt as well: "I need to stop looking at what I haven't been given and what I DO HAVE..."

I don't mean to be overly cynical, but I ought to 'glass isn't completely empty attitude' about it, while not ALL the couples I know are necessarily in this predicament, I do know some couples who seem overly preoccupied with themselves to fully embrace other friendships God has blessed them with... I'm not saying you shouldn't prioritize your significant other/spouse; I'm just saying I know some couples who are somewhat in a situation where they care about their "one flesh" too much and not enough about the blessings of other people they are in community with or that God has given them to know what I feel another Pastor I know and agape, TD would call: 'the freedom of marriage'. And I find myself, spiritually healthily asking myself, is this what you feel you are MISSING?

Some entries ago, I quoted or cited the movie The Internship about two traveling salesmen looking to get into the booming Google corporation.  I feel like that somewhat too, I haven't 'completed my fancy seminary education' BUT what I do have is some 'gifting' in as the speaker put it "anthropology" through my painful experiences that seem to give me a kind of knack for compassion, consoling and counseling others.  I'm not saying my other gifts such as outreach/evangelism or spiritual guiding/directing are in some way now 'snuffed out', but it seems as per my former spiritual director's take on circumstances, I now am in a certain place and situation through some of my previous decisions that have put me in a position that I also need to finish seminary in a short period of time before all of my previous credits go over their expiry date and become void. While, I previously didn't necessarily consider certain ministry roles as the 'role for me', just like the morning/earlier speaker at Fluid put it, "that does/speak very little in terms of what REALLY can be the role God is calling you to..."

So yeah, am I up till almost 3AM now where I am because I've got a lot on my mind that is NOT marriage related and might not even make it to church tomorrow morning given the time I normally have to wake up to make it as a result? You bet.... But I will see how the Spirit leads tomorrow morning... am I not necessarily able or spending the time to discern His will in the same manner that speaker did, YOU BET... is that what I am REALly missing? YOU BET...

"Are you getting it? Sometimes you need to maintain a low profile...so that you can complete THE MISSION..." [K #2]

I want to always be a vessel to bring God's love and peace through being an image bearer of Christ's love for humanity. Not that human approval is completely void of merit, but in whatever I do, I want to feel His glory and love amidst everything I do...

As I continue to go through life, I will strive to learn to be patient in affliction, eager to serve, quick to compassion, slow in formulating wisdom and unconditional in love. As a friend, first and foremost, to whoever God brings into my life (friends, relatives, co-leagues, children, spouse...etc..) I want to think of myself first less often in service to my Lord, but not dismiss the person God is creating and molding me to become. I also want to be present in their lives not just as someone who is wiser and more discerning (even if that is actually the case), but someone who journeys' along side them as they grow as a person and child of God.

I want to become a man of God who strives after achieving His goals and plans for my life, but also humble enough to admit when they are still a work in progress. To have an attitude similar to the biblical King David, after God's own heart, but contrite in acknowledging one's sins. To have others look toward me as a role model in part due to my willingness to follow God's path for my life, but also due to the way I follow God's golden rule in loving others as I love myself...

"...you're lagging..." [Noah Hamilton]

Sunday (likely since I didn't finish this then, it'll post with today's date) I woke up with a lot less energy than normal and a distracting headache and apparently my mother is experiencing the same symptoms so I would say it is very likely to be viral.

Anyhow, I don't want to assert God is perhaps punishing, or maybe disciplining [Hebrews 12] me is a better word, neither may or may not be true. However, a part of me does wonder if maybe because I didn't make use of my day of 'untimely rest' getting more ill/sick than I expected on Sunday that I find myself injuring myself in an unexpected way by slipping and landing on my shoulder pretty badly the night after that perhaps God decided to 'take it up a notch' as I had intended to finish this blog and some other more 'below the surface' entries to reflect more upon life.

The intention of this blog was again to change my prayer request(s) from the last entry slightly in terms of I realize that maybe God's plans for me haven't changed, but how often do we like to think of things on our schedule? And how often does sin prevent us from having the correct schedule that is in line with God's? Even though it may not be as explicit in Exodus (this I would have to research), I recently been trying to reread/study the book of Acts and I found an interesting parallel in Acts 7:30 where it indicates that Moses himself also had also spent 40 years from that time he defended an Egyptian slave till Yahweh sent the burning bush...

I look at this blog in itself, there was this one Friday I was kind of on cloud nine (this was NOT that day, but I wrote about that reflection day here: [http://life-of-agent-k.blogspot.ca/2017/12/ijohn-1922-ohtheres-that-number-again.html] ) and was thinking that I have now laboured 14 years on this blog but I am forgetting about my 3 years of almost complete silence from 2013-2016 so I'm kind of "lagging" in that sense too...Not so much the '400 years of Silence' between the Old Testament and the New Testament, in terms of length and for the most part I was too lazy to write and keep up with my writing skills. Something I am regretting as it may have helped with getting more interviews sooner perhaps or potentially I could have gotten more education within some of those years had I kept up the relevant skills more fervently.

So there's definitely some areas where I feel like I am behind in my life, according to my schedule, but not necessarily God's schedule, as God's perception of time, or 'urgency' may be different from our own [Psalm 90:4, 2 Peter 3:8]. I know I definitely envisioned being married as my biological father used to put it "many moons ago" and often we wonder why God is being 'slow', but in the second reference I quoted, the very next verse says that is not the case [2 Peter 3:9].  It is not my intention to take the verse 'out of context' as some have cautioned as even some people know how 'long' it can seem to be sometimes to lead/assist someone to have a relationship with Christ, likewise other relationships can also be more time consuming to develop than we anticipate.

I find it ironic that some time ago when I was discussing the following series https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Once_Upon_a_Time_episodes with a friend about how I kind of relate to Regina, because a 'certain someone' was kind of like my 'stable boy' and also that I really liked season 1 cause when I started following the series after it already aired a few seasons, in season one I told her I liked it cause everything and every theme such as the irony of Regina telling Henry she doesn't like him reading the book cause "you think I'm some evil queen" was more funny to me when I already knew the answer to that question but it was still a concept that was 'fresh' for that season. As recently I've had more time to finally spend re-watching season 3, which she told me was her favourite when I asked and it got around to Season 3, Episode 3 as of this week.  Weeks ago I had only finished Ep 1 and most of Ep 2 when I briefly started it while reorganizing my room after the family SUV broke down...

2018 Prayer Requests 2.0

God has likewise shown me, that while there are some things people generally might have to 'wait on', on the other hand, there are other things, such as studying the bible again, that do not require any waiting process of any kind. Recently God has been showing me also through various circumstances, that my extended period of rest/sabbatical has some aspects that are likely his plan and others that likely are not within His plan/will.



When I was thinking of writing this post to include the prayer request of returning to seminary, my YouTube jumped on it's own to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coHKdhAZ9hU after I looked up the 'Ticket To Ride' lyric that is apparently part of the J Train song and it reminded me of the time I was giving my testimony at summer retreat at the other church I previously attended for a long time and I was giving a testimony about dedicating my life into ministry and I quoted Matthew 16:26.  Interestingly enough, I just discovered this verse is also in context of the verses about Jesus renaming Cephas to Peter.  Peter (the biblical Peter) is a name I've been reminded of a lot recently, particularly this one time prior to church group, I was unable to load the digital copy of Sunday's message in the same day the Pastor/speaker picked (the Rooster crows three times passage, Mark 14 I believe, will verify later if I have the opportunity) as the main passage for discussion that week.



My attention was also drawn to this verse:

²³ Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” [Matthew 16:23]


One of the things I am starting to feel/sense is not within God's will is my stubbornness about wanting to be married prior to returning/graduating from seminary because I personally am holding onto a belief or perhaps a better word is "fear" if somehow I am not married yet, my life will be a lot more complicated going back to seminary studies as a unmarried person.


Another thing I am processing is that my lack of employment is possibly also another circumstance that is more 'my doing' rather than God's. As I have been trying to keep this area of my life likewise too much within 'my control' rather than leave it in 'God's control'. As I have been sharing with some friends, in recent years I've been applying to majority of jobs mainly in the Engineering and IT sectors and while this is not necessarily a sin in of itself.  None of my interviews thus far in those fields have landed me a job, other than a short term part time job almost 2 years ago now and recently I am finding I am also able to get interviews in other fields. My parting line as I have been telling my friends is this: "It is one thing if God closes a door on us, it is another thing if we close a door on God..."



Haven't had a (noticeable) dream for over a week now, but (this entry is a few days late in being posted, so 'a few days ago...') I had a dream involving a 'phone metaphor'. I believe I do have a fairly good grasp of interpreting this dream as well as others I have had recently, however of course, I'm still likely not yet at the level of dream interpretation I would one day need if God calls me to finally become a licensed Spiritual Director just yet. Similar to the "call" imagery in the dream, which is set in the future tense, "call" is likely the key word. I should likely jot down this dream in more detail in one of my private blog spaces as it could like other dreams I've done in the past, speak more than just towards the present circumstances.


My 'concluding prayer request' has somewhat of a Luke 22:42 theme to it cause I'm going through a lot of life shattering struggles at home still and while it's possible these conflicts can potentially bring about positive change, it likewise could be God may also answer the prayer by showing me His will is to deliver me from them...