Feelings... Nothing more than feelings...

I know I said I'll give a reflection about the directional sermon, but that was almost 3 weeks ago so it's already kind of late, but I'm going to try something a little different in the month that is a bit different....

So why is February different? Well for starters it's the month I'm born and it also happens to be just a tad shorter, hehe... "SHORTer"... hehe... than other months and where they place leap years... and ya, it's also the month of the dreaded V-day... the later is where I'm going to probably focus the majority of this blog... which won't be really a reflection on the sermon itself but likely parts of the sermon(s) and also more on my personal "feelings...nothing more than feelings..."

Well I also wanted to follow up on that thing some of you asked me about earlier, about why I have issues with seeing couples, couple pics, etc.. etc... Well it's pretty self (for some reason I had typed the word "sex", as in "sex explainatory")... well is it really that self explainatory... I dunno... but I think in general people who are single get mixed feelings when they see other people in romantic relationships, either they themselves have never been "involved", were involved or perhaps are involved yet get mixed feelings still possibly because of difference in situation/status, as in say someone who is dating looking on at people who are married or vice versa...

I guess the bottom line I've lost all faith in marriage. It at one time in my life may have been like an idol, but now I feel like it's become something I "loathe"... It's like I don't believe in it being something I can believe in, put my trust in, hmmm how should I word it, "marriage brings nothing but misery" maybe?! Well that's what it has for me and it seems to continue to do to me, even though I'm actually NOT married. But like right now, it's something that really bothers me... In my eyes, I may NEVER get married. And it's like everytime someone talks about their own marriage or I see another couple, it reminds me and pierces me like it's something they have and I will never have and I guess it's not just marriage, but a romantic relationship in general... Like I said in an MSN conversation the other day, I'm the "27 year-old-dirgin"... I've never had a steady or some would even say or interpret my situation as I never had a girlfriend before, hence I'm more than just a virgin, I take it to the next level, I'm a dirgin...:'(

A part of me considered writing an entry like this and maybe it kinda started already with some of my previous entries so that people would stop asking me about why I can't stand seeing couples and now it may have extended to not being able to handle anything romantic related at all... It's like maybe I can just tell people to "bug off" by like "go read my blog..." It's not like I want to be mean, but people constantly asking me about the whole couples thing even if it's out of genuine concern may not be the healthiest thing for me right now. Not sure how the AA thing works. Maybe only I think it's weird to have to keep talking about Alchol when you're trying to get over the habit, but although it's mainly sharing stories about how it ruined their life. However in my case, I dunno if having people share stories about how marriage "ruined their life" is necessary the best course of action, so avoidance/cold-turkeying may be a better alternative. I've been giving it a try, but like peopLe always tell me, couples are everywhere...

Even more so, SEX is everywhere... and it's like should we not be concerned? It's going to take more than just one man not being able to sleep and praying about it to make a change, especially it's the world we're talking about... I wish I could be Jesus, but I'm not... He can change the world, but I can't....He can tolerate being single, but seems like I can't... He doesn't need anyone to be a wife for him... but I... God, why do you have to make this so difficult for me?

I recall our new Pastor-to-be preached in a sermon once that often in life things that come easy we can also EASilY take for granted and things that are harder to earn we seem to appreciate more as humans... I wonder if that's the case with me and marriage... But looking back at all the things that happened to me in the past, including quite a number of people choosing to ignore me, a part of me wonders is it really worth all this trouble and sin that results... Why do I even bother anymore... even if I can't accept it, maybe God has already decided singleness is for me...

But actually I asked God about this at the last CCF retreat, whether He wants me to live a life of singlesness and I believe His answer was NO, but a part of me doesn't really know what to believe anymore. Especially since I just knowingly sinned by putting my Lord to the test (Luke 4:12, Deut. 6:16) and I did not see the sign I expected to see... But I try to remind myself that just cause God decided not to perhaps perform any miracles to earn my trust in Him, although it was a lot less complicated test than that, I shouldn't stop believing in Him... It's just that even though I asked God a question and I thought I had an answer, but the visual evidence didn't back it up even though I do believe in Hebrews 11:1...

Sigh... I might as well get to bed now and try...