Beggar's hand and gratitude...

I'll go back to this line later in on this blog... "They may think I'm a hero, but the truth is I'm a failure, frail and a sinner and nothing could be further from the truth..."

Finally an "update" eh? Yes... I wonder if anyone still reads this blog since I haven't updated for so long...

Today was a really interesting day, so I figure I'll share... There's more to this day that I won't post publicly, but certain individuals might be getting an e-mail. But perhaps another reason why I don't update is cause I do so much typing at work already, that I really can't type much more by the time I get home...

I interesting named this entry "beggar's hand and gratitude" because it's the one part of the outline we have to memorize that our Pastor tell us not to use during our presentation of the EE outline because it may confuse people. The second reason is that it reminds me of this one note I took in Cell Group leader's training in Sunday School where it's like they were explaining the different cell group models and the Yonghi Cho or the 5 x 5 or was it the G12? I think it was 5 x 5, LOL, now you know why I did bad on my Sunday School exam, yet somehow by some miracle I got the highest mark? What???? Lord, I'm not worthy, nor am I worthy of the second miracle you performed today which I'll get to later...Anyhow that note goes something alone the lines that the cell group model was based on one hungry beggar telling another where to find the bread which is the main topic of my sharing/blog tonight...

Anyhow, it's late, I should be tired and sleeping, but yet I'm here typing this entry, but sadly not because I'm on fire for God, no, but because I can't live with myself... It's about time I be a man about it and admit just how weak and frail I really am... Even though I don't want to admit it, I think the REAL reason why I can't sleep is because seeing other couples together really gets to me still a lot more than I'll care to admit. Especially these last two days, like oh my Lord, why must you put me through this? You know, I ought to have smartened up, afterall, I was at a banquet yesturday, what did I expect? Even though I know very well that people don't always have to invite significant others to banquets, friends are ok too, I'm naive to think that people would just go without their significant others I guess. And today in church.... well I don't even wanna start with that one... I try to rationalize to myself, I ought to be happy today, I saved another soul for Christ, I ought to rejoice for this soul like all those up there in heaven and all my peers did today... But while it might have temporarily comforted me to get a bit of an afternoon nap today, it doesn't seem to be enough to get me to sleep now...

I'm still in awe of how it could even happen...but I guess it's true, God's love knows no end... I've been listening to some NN songs tonight or this morning (since it's way passed 12AM, my clock says 2:22AM, I really should be zzzing...)

While it might be nice to hear a good conversion story, I feel my blog really ought to be about me and the conversion that went on in my heart today is quite a story in itself too. Not that I feel this new Christian isn't important, but I feel I ought to share this side of the story too. So this entry is really more about my conversion, not to Christ, as I'm already Christian, but perhaps and hopefully to a better, more real faith I have in Him, please pray for me!

Ok, in the beginning, God create the heavens and the earth... hehe, no it's not going to be that long of a story, I'm only going to cover 48 hours or so, don't worry :P... But God create the heavens and the earth and this story begins with the fall of K... I thought I had it going on, I thought I was being faithful, things were really starting to look up, I was beginning to trust in him again starting last sunday... and I was repenting...

But what went wrong? I failed! They may think I'm a hero, but the truth is I'm a failure, frail and a sinner and nothing could be further from the truth...Last night I'm in my bed, late, after studying... and I guess you may be able to relate how Satan likes to attack us when we're at our weakest... And that's exactly what happened... I was insomic again, I was like... why can't I sleep? Maybe my brain was still "on" from studying, but I can't honestly say it was "on" ONLY from studying, I know the truth, I know at the back of my mind the whole relationships and me still being single bu11$h.. was on my mind again... To make matters worse, I used to intentional sin as rebellion to God cause I was made at him for what happened, for keeping me single this way... Why did he giveth and taketh away? But of course, maybe He never gave in the first place, it might have been a sin in itself... Like that question I have to answer for my CCSGL application, "How do you deal with Sin in your life?"...

So I guess this entry will help me form an answer to that question, it's not like I don't deal, I do... just that I wasn't able to last night... I thought to myself, why must I go through a moral dilemma and fight a 1 to 2 hour battle with Satan and not sleep yet tonight, I got church tommorow, I got my exam AND I gotta do this outreach thingy "for God" after church... so why bother? Why not sin and be done with it? Sure, I got my sleep, but from what happened today... at what price???

So not only due to my singleness was I unable to study well for my exam last night probably, I put in the hours, I still can't believe I did so bad... Not sure what it was out of, but I think I might have gotten only like 60% maybe? I dunno, maybe less...Didn't help much that I was usher today and I had to see the couples comming in (and sometimes out) the door also...The last time I was ushering, it put me into tears and it happened again today...

The message today was pretty "right" for me too...especially that part when the guest speaker asked the rhetorical question, something along the lines are "Are you in danger of losing your faith in God?" Or it might have been or perhaps after this question: "Is God amazed of how much faith you have in Him or how little faith you have in Him?" My answer to the first question is "yes" and for the second I think I must admit it's "little"... But I'm so grateful that God kinda turned it around... It was as if God was saying to me "When I heard your answer to the first question, I thought I had some really good news for you. But after hearing your answer to the second question, I know I have the greatest news you ever heard." LOL I wonder if I have that down yet so that I can complete the final part of that exam... Anyhow I told myself only 10 more minutes since it's almost 3AM and I told myself that maybe, maybe I'm tired enough to sleep now that Satan won't have anything left of me to attack...

But yes, it's true, I'm really lacking in my faith right now, so much that my e-mail to my friends telling them I'm lacking in my faith right now which includes some prayer requests at the end of it, I'm so lacking in faith I haven't even been diligent in finishing that e-mail. It's almost as if I don't believe praying will help anymore... I was reading John 6 for devotion tonight since I figure that's the chapter "the verse" (John 6:47) is from, but turns out it was another way for God to reinforce to me just how in danger I am of losing faith, especially the last ten verses 60-70... yes verses 60-70, I wonder if this is the most # of verses per chapter in the bible...

Ok, it's past 3AM now, I really ought to sleep, but I wonder if I really can, will I just finish this blog entry and then go to bed and sin again? I hope not...So anyhow, how should I put this entry to an end? Oh yes, just jump to the end of the day! Ya, so I finish like reading John 6 and I decide: I dun think I've suffered enough for my disobedience, sure I cried this morning, but maybe I ought to pull the songs "Majesty" and "Why" and cry some more... Ironic to think that this morning I was concerned if all this crying might cost me my fertility as I remember one time my brother had to get surgery... Like I'll ever be able to make use of something like that... God knows I'm soooo single... [aiya...] Yes I know I know, don't let it consume my life... I'm not trying to...

So while it might have been God for me to rejoice a bit that I was able to save a soul for Christ today, should I really rejoice? It's only been 1 soul I think since 2 years ago when I brought those two kids to Christ during camp... Well actually not true, there was at least one more than that THIS year :)... but still... I just had too many rejections and not just those type of rejections LOL... Even today, we had so many people tell us no to even taking our survey... And furthermore, I so wasn't flying colours when I presented the EE info, but somehow God used my incompetence, sinfuliness and faithlessness and miraculously my team was able to bring someone to Christ??? Lord, I'm not worthy... the same feeling when I decide to mediate on NN's "Why" about an hour ago, I'm going to post the lyrics here and maybe you can guess at the last part of my sharing:

Why?- Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy. He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming? Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe? I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as if he’s going to cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-Daddy please tell me why, why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy and daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering if there was something that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out, I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming. Why are the faces of some of them beaming? Why are they casting their lots for my clothes??
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows Father please can’t you do something? I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size, Father remind me why, why does everyone want me to die. When will I understand why?

My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me more than you know But this dark hour I must do nothing.
I’ve heard your unbearable cry—the power in your blood destroys all the lies, soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side. Now I can tell you why, she is why you must die.

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/n/nicole-nordeman/why/

It just dawned on me after this... maybe also because the speaker today was right. Sometimes we don't come to God without suffering... I mean I've been wondering why all these years with different girls why God has to put me through all these types of rejections and sufferings??? Like the title of the song WHY? Afterall, if I'm not meant to be with any of these girls, then why did He allow me to have such strong feelings for them? Not only as a Christian, but I had sufferings as a non-Christian also, but it seemed as if post-accepting Christ, my sufferings in this area increased a lot more compared to my pagan days... But sometime I really reflected upon not only in my own life and lack of faith in God during the bible reading as well, but after reflecting on the theme of the song also, it dawned on me.... While it was great that I prayed for the new convert and we all did at church also, there's something at least I know I missed, not sure about the others... We didn't pray too much for those that rejected us today during our outreach activity... I would think they may need the prayers even more! Why was I over-rejoicing trying to cover up my sadness for still being single over the one soul my team saved, not only that, but the only soul saved, at least for the English side, for today... when really... I ought to be sad also that the others didn't even want to talk to us when they knew we were from church... we went in Christ's name and Christ they have rejected... it's like the masses rjecting Christ in the crucification, except Satan trys to mask it with the nice weather we had today... well.... maybe not.... LOL... that last sentence... oy, I really must be getting tired, time to sabbath....

"They may think I'm a hero, but the truth is I'm a failure, frail and a sinner and nothing could be further from the truth..."

HML,