Experiencing God...

I've been experiencing God so much lately, maybe cause I've been seeking extra hard for his presence since I can't find peace to sleep at night. I now do two devotions a day, perhaps to make up for my months of unfaithfulness, perhaps cause I need Him now more than ever...perhaps also because renouncing my faith through my actions after the first quarter of 2005 and also loSing even any trace of friendship with her and now I know that He's (my saviour) all I got...

But why Lord? Why? Why am I unable to rest? Is it cause you want me to spend more time on you? Will this ruin my health or will you pull me through it? Why won't you let me find rest?

I actually wanted to post another entry explaining the reason for my sleepliness today, but my plans have to change a bit and seeing how I'm experiencing the sleepliness RIGHT NOW, I think now is not a good time to post that entry. Besides I won't be able to do it justice when I feel God is leading me to post another entry He wants me to post first. Hmm... the blog clock must lag, it's actually 2:29AM Jan. 9th, I tried to sleep at 1AM, got to bed, but unfortunately I need "not even a hint" of relationships to stick in my mind to sleep... but I'm trying to reduce my exposure via any means necessary... rather sleep within 1 hour of not being able to stop thinking about it than 3 hours of it if I'm visually exposed to too much. Again, will explain in detail in another entry, let's just get one entry at a time. But prior to me finishing THAT entry, please don't judge *clears throat* i.e. my MSN name...I actually feel exhausted, been deprived of sleep for weeks. OR months if you count the weeks I've haven't been able to sleep cause I think it was because I wasn't submissive to His calling. But for this recent issue, it's been weeks. It's actually been going on for years, slowly creeping up to it, but now I've finally cracked and now it's crunch time, the sin that has been helping me sleep I say "no more" to, I lay it down at the foot of the cross, if it kills me, it kills me, "If I perish, I perish..." [Esther 4:16"b" or should I say "z"]...Besides as my friend said, that sin, as opposed to my present actions was more of that "temporary solution" that he described than any other. Not to mention, considering the timing I feel it may also be the #1 contributor to my current problemS, *sniff sniff* :'(

Anyhow, no more sidetracking, besides like I said, I'll need a seperate entry to do it justice. Even though I wanted to post that entry today, God wants me to post THIS entry instead, at 3AM almost it is now. I couldn't sleep, so I was doing my second devotion of the day. As we've been learning at church lately, Jesus' life is a life of interruptions. And also this whole "Master of Disaster" thing in the sermon this morning, things don't always go according to plan. "And if I die before I wake...", (paraphrase->"I want my blog readers to remember this quake..."...

This month I've been doing Genesis for devotion and also checking out the church devotion plan for either my first or second devotion... The call of Abram (later called Abraham for those who don't follow the bible) and the story of Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomarrah stick out in my mind. But tonight it's Genesis 22... ha... next chapter happens to be Gen 23... that out to be an interesting one when I write my OTHER entry I'm refering to above!

Anyhow, I was thinking about starting my cell group leader program for Sunday school "a month" in advance, but rather maybe I'll share about how I experienced God lately, I can copy and paste it for my application to TC SMU too.

Ok so how does the passage relate to me? Well I obviously don't have a son! But part of why "I'll make a good father someday", even though I told that Auntie not to say that cause I don't even have a GF yet, but she's like, not now, in 10 years time... Ya, MAYBE... If I last that long and God so desires; is cause God has given me lots of pratice. It hasn't been easy trying to be a role model for my brothers at the same time trying to balance University and church... AND also raising my spiritually adopted kids (or "sons" and "daugthers" of my own). I hate it when my "spiritual mom" is "right" when the truth she tells me hurts. But lately, I hate it when she's wrong and I go to bed trying to delude myself into thinking I can go to sleep even though I SAW ALL THOSE couples happy in their gifts today, but then the images haunt me when I close my eyes.

Ok AGAIN I can't seem to focus on what the He wants me to type but still focused on THAT! Sorry Lord! Ooo... my eyes just drifted to Gen 22:9 all of a sudden, the "Here I am" he replied. Also maybe cause it's the shortest printed partial verse in and the line that leaves the largest margin, but I think months of seeing God's leading and not just "this one verse" has spoken to me much more than I have time to share, perhaps see "My calling part 2" when I finally finish it.

Anyhow starting from the beginning, which I notice also has "Here I am" :O...Reminds me of that Majesty song... (singing break)

Majesty (Here I Am)

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Written by Stu Garrard/Martin Smith ©2003 Curious? Music UK

It brought me to tears, so I decided to post the lyrics... when I got to the "Empty handed, but alive in your hands", it distracted me cause I remember my other friend B.C. also used it in her MSN name. The distracted interrupted my mediation hence less crying, but in a way it's a good thing since my younger brother just came in to ask me whether I should take Physics. I don't really need him to ask me if I'm alright right now. Also I've found people can't really see me cry with these cheapo lens that don't seem to be very clear looking in. No wonder I can't attract any eye contact :P Just kidding. I had to put "I wish I had perfect vision" on a survey I did in Sunday school this morning cause I couldn't think of anything else physical I would rather change about myself.

Ok, it's late I'm going to try to zzz again, finish the entry in the morning when I recap this before my morning devotion, going to try to distract myself with some video games or something ;), I so wish I had Initial D in front of me now... want that PS2 and steering wheel system so bad...It really helped me sleep last night when I played a few games...I don't really care so much if the wheel, even the PS2 one turns out to be a bit unreponsive, "it's the thought that counts".