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Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
NOTICE
For those of you who might have read the old msg on my MSN name, sorry the commentary I decided to post LATER. The general part is finished, but the part about how I plan to apply it in my life, the part that makes my blog, my blog, it's not finished... so ya, check back later if you're looking for THAT post.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Commentary of CCF Bible Study AND the blog entry I've been putting off...
(NOT FINISHED YET, but I clicked POST again)
Ok, two things I want to point out first. No, I'm not a Pastor or anything, at least not yet :P But to be honest, I'm not 100% confident YET that "Pastor" is the role God can best use me in. Not saying He's not calling me in this area, just that there's many ways to give one's life to Christ in full-time Ministry...#2: Although I promised myself not to mention certain thingS in my blog, it's so hitting me in the face right now that I can't dare comment on this entry without sharing how through my devo God probably wants me to apply it in my own life! I dare not be so hyprocritical or try to raise myself above my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to only offer a GENERAL commentary they can use to help apply it in their own life, without giving my example of how I plan to apply the passage in my own...
Actually maybe #3: Even if I were a Pastor or whatever, I would not dare say THIS AND ONLY THIS is God's truth, it would still only be my opinion on the issue, hence why it's a "Commentary" as opposed to say another chapter of the bible.
The link in this entry leads to the NIV version of the Gospel of Matthew 5:17-32. Which is the passage from LBCM's daily devotion plan for LAST WEEK. But since I didn't have THIS week's with me, I figure I would read last week's "Wednesday", since I don't always use their guidelines (usually do it independantly since I feel the guidelines is more for NEWER Christians). Anyhow, it was so cool it was THIS particular passage for Last Wednesday cause I feel I really got a lot more out of today's bible study at CCF after reading it. I actually based my commentary up to verse 48 (end of the chapter) and I feel the passage helped me answer a lot more than just the two questions in the guideline, but most of the questions from the bible study as well (whether typed in the study's outline or people's questions brought up in the discussion). I've decided to break this up into two sections "General Commentary" and "Specific Application", I may not finish the second part right away, so you may have to go back to this blog entry again later:
GENERAL COMMENTARY
-------------------
I'm not going to list the entire passage here, you can use the link (click the blog title). Matthew 5:17-18 was mentioned in our discussion tonight, but I believe what comes AFTER is also important to understanding just whether or not we need to follow ALL of God's law. But I believe this passage is not focused on WHICH laws we do or not follow, but HOW we follow them.
I heard my English Pastor preach on Matthew 5:21-26 before, I will share more about this particular passage when I get to the "Specific Application" section. Due note though, this passage is a commentary on Arthur's rebuttal that "Thou shalt not kill" (Exodus 20:13, KJV) should read "You should not murder" (as it does in the NIV version). However, as stated in Matthew 5:21-26, I would particularly want to point to the KJV translation of Matthew 5:22 ->" 22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire." The NIV version takes out the "without a cause" clause and puts a footnote that it's only listed in "Some manuscripts". But I believe the point here is physically planning and murdering someone is not the only way to "murder" someone and as my Pastor put it, "murdering the person in your heart" can be just as bad, but in my opinion, IF NOT EVEN WORSE. Reason why I say "if not even worse", now I don't mean to sound cynical, nor do I condone murder at all, in fact I am strongly against it, but when you think about it, at least if you go ahead and murder someone, the law in most if not all countries will find some way to punish the offender. BUT rarely is there a law against hating people is there? Except perhaps' God's law, cause hate is not love, and as also brought up in our discussion, it would contradict what Jesus considered to be the second greatest commandment -> 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'. [Matthew 22:39] Matthew 22 is also a good related passage to read. I would especially like to point to verse 40 which comes right after: Matthew 22:40 "All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." I bring this particular passage up because during my Bible Study Methods Sunday school course, it came to my attention that "the Law and the Prophets" is New Testament wording to refering to all the books of the Old Testament. "The Law" -> books of Moses (first 5 in the bible, a.k.a. The Pentunauch [I'll have to double check that spelling]) "The Prophets" -> the rest of the books, mostly written by prophets, most which are also named after prophets. Perhaps this may involve some confession and searching deep into your own heart. Let's give a hypothetical example, let's say there's someone you "hate" or even "dislike strongly" for whatever reason, what if the very next day, while you are still furious with them, they die from a car accident or something, how would you REALLY feel about that? :O Could this be why God says "In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26, also in Psalms 4:4.
The rest of the passages carry a similiar message, I wanted to touch on the "Adultery" issue during our bible study today when someone was like "Do not commit adultery" when quoting the law. It follows Jesus' discussion of murder in Matthew 5:27-30. And I want to particularly point out Matthew 5:38 which is one example where it seems like Jesus is directly telling us to violate one of the more know old testament laws "eye for an eye". Again reinforced in Matthew 5:43. Therefore you see, it's not whether we follow this law or break this law that's the most important, not that I'm downplaying that Christians should follow certain "rules", but as pointed out by both myself and my Pastor, it's "following God that counts". Otherwise there would not be Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 4:16 -> "Therefore I urge you to imitate me." Which is later elaborated in 1 Corinthians 11:1 -> "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." AND 1 Peter 2:21 -> "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." which is the theme verse in that book I mentioned in my previous entry, "In His Steps"... HELLO LBCM Church theme :)
Well, now I'm really tired, perhaps God doesn't want me to type so much "general commentary" anyhow, sometimes I can be long winded I know... so I'm going to call it a night, even though I know I may not be able to remember the entire conclusion God gave me and type it all down if I do it the next morning... :( It's almost 4AM now... Hopefully you'll understand better when I share my "Specific Application" tommorow though. :) So I'll end off with Mark 14:38b -> "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
NEW ADDITIONS:
PERSONAL APPLICATION
---------------------
As I stated earlier, this will involve sharing about certain things that I probably mentioned in my earlier blog entries I would share, but didn't. However, I feel like God is pushing or nudging me to share since it relates to what He was telling me personally when I was reading this passage.
Even before I finished this, I had to take a break, listen to some Christian songs. I wonder, am I afraid? I should try to "be a man" about it... It's not like relationships (friendships) of the perSon/people I'm afraid of offending could possibly get any worse at this point anyhow. But I better not speak too soon.
Ok, no more small talk, time to talk about God's personal application of this passage for me and also requires that I confess my sins. As per my commentary on the Matthew 5:21-26 passage, I believe it is wrong to not be on good terms with other people. As it is already no secret if you've read some of my other blog entrieS, there happens to be a particular Sister in Christ that I confess, as I put it on my blog entry that I "hate". I feel I kinda "hate" her for my own selfish reasons. I wanted to get over her quickly, so I totally tried to elimate anything related to her or relationships in my mind. But thinking about it, can you really blame me? I loved her more than I loved anyone else in my life and the strangest thing is I don't even know why I would fall for someone like that. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that perSon, it's just not normally how I usually go about pursing my Christian relationships and she doesn't exactly fall into "my type" or have many of the qualities I look for in a wife from what I know of her so far. In fact there's many times I thought to myself "Why her? I rather be with ____
" and ____ because's she's more ______ (insert quality here) or whatever...involves several other single girls I could possibly pursue a relationship with. Another thing to note would be at the time I also considered God may have wanted me to be with another sister who's a very close female friend of mine. But somehow, for some weird reason, I felt myself drawn to her even though when I try to "logically analyze" the situation, I confess I would always in the back of my mind be thinking "How could I possibly be interested in a girl like that..." (Again, nothing wrong with her, but sometimes I can have pretty high standards in specific areas) Ok, after all that typing, I realize it's not exactly where I originally planned to lead this discussion (why "hate" is wrong), but now sharing something else. I guess I'll just go with the flow and finish this point FIRST as opposed to second (and with much less detail) as originally intended.
So more about me and this girl/siSter. I only bring it up because my caring fellow brothers (mainly brothers) and sisters in CCF are starting to ask questions about my MSN name and it's about time I share why I'm taking these "extreme measures" (or at least they interpret them to be too extreme). And I know this sorta goes againSt your requeSt to keep it between us and I'm Sorry, really Sorry, but I just don't want to turn this blog into just some sermon achieve and not share how it afflicted me too. Ok, this is not meant to be like gossip or for your entertainment, so please don't read it as such. My hopes is by better understanding how I felt, you will better understand why it is I request people keep certain romantic things "out of sight" to me. As I stated earlier, considering the possiblity that this girl might be "the one" for me, was always the last thing on MY mind! She just didn't meet MY expections (in fact far from them from what I knew of her at that point in time) of what I wanted in a mate, but yet, for some strange reason I was drawn to her. I always wanted my wife to be ___, ___ & ___, etc... She wasn't really what I considered a prime example of any of those qualities I wanted in a wife, logically I couldn't see why I would be attracted to her. In addition, compared to these other sisters in Christ which I also considered MIGHT be my wife someday if I decide to pursue a relationship with them, I probably knew her even less than the most aquintance-d of the sisters in my "potential wives" group. But yet I was attracted to her for whatever strange reason... so I began to question God as to the why?
Now, before I attempt to answer the why, perhaps it's good to explore how I've been "brought up" (a.k.a. "parented") in God's house when it comes to finding "the one". I guess this will involve summing up my previous romantic pursuits in a nutshell/paragraph. This would be the "past" I wanted to "put behind". Hmm... Lesson 1? "If the feelings aren't mutual, it can't be God's will." Something along those lines. That lesson I've now found to be the best joke of all. Now I'm not saying to marry someone who doesn't love you in return, but my point is lack of feelings alone should not be allowed to dictate what is and is not God's will. What I mean is "don't jump to conclusions" based on "present feelings and situation(s)". Ok, so bring in the real life situation, 6 to 7 years ago I had feelings for this one giRl in my church who did not feel the same way. Something I read in a Christian book "Boy Meets Girl", chapter 4 double confirms that Lesson 1 is pretty inaccurate. Sad to think I learned it from a "Pastor" too. Actually over the years, quite a # of people have told me different even pertaining to the situation with me and my fiRst Christian love. One of my Christian mentors, who's now married, WW taught me everything must follow God's timing and that even he got rejected by his WIFE the first time he told her how he felt. In addition, my previous English Pastor also said if I know that heR and I are God's will, I need to be patient and wait.
Ok, it's actually going to take longer than I thought to discuss my upbringing and there's many factors a Christian needs to consider and pray about when pursuing relationships... so I won't mention all of them in this post. Gotta get back down to point of how I'm applying this bible study material/devotion into my life. But to make a long story short, I did not come to the deciSion to purSue this new sister in Christ lightly. In fact even when I decided that my intentions to try to "only be her friend" perhaps wasn't the only thing God wanted me to do, I've prayed about it for a long long time before I took any explicit and clear action in terms of expressing the fact I want to consider pursing a courtship with her to her. Ever since I had my rElationship (if you wanna call it that) with E/EE ended 4 years ago (it stopped near the end of my second year in University), I have been praying to God about this marriage issue in my own life (and praying for others) for a LONG LONG time now. And I must say fairly diligently too, perhaps maybe too diligently. Always has been an open ended prayer, I just pray that God lead the way in this area. But then again, simply praying "God show me your plan for marriage" doesn't necessarily mean I just wait around forever and never take action nor does it suggest I just pursue any girl that I'm interested it. Ok, let's skip the part when I'm going to explain my opinion on the right method of pursuing a relationship.
It's now like over 2 weeks since I started this entry, it's time to finish what I started! This entry that is... So as you already know, I once had strong feelings for this girl. The strangest thing is maybe She knew how I loved her before I even realized I really did. Up unto a few months ago, I've honestly only wanted to be her friend, get to know her more, just treat her like I treat any other sister in Christ. A strange thing began to happen though, although I started to attract a lot of attention from other girls and sisters after I met this girl and we were only friends, I felt it was wrong of me to think of myself as a "free man" or also known as "available" for some strange reason. So then I began to pray about it. To make a long story short, without getting into my reasons and analysis of the situation, it's obvious I decided that perhapS She was the one, even though in MY heart I kinda wanted some of those other girls/sisters more than her... But after thingS went bad, I began to experience extreme sadness and because I've never felt that bad before in my life, as a result I kinda blamed what happened on her. As I was saying before, I hated her... but as for my application to this lesson, it's not God's will for us to "hate" anyone, THAT I do know for sure... So guess what? Now it's MY turn to "put the past behind" to stop hating her because of what happened. Here's another related verse for me to apply, I think I might have taken it from the footnote of the original passage:
[Leviticus 19:18] -> " 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD."
I'll always be "a friend"...
(I'm going to mention why I don't like seeing couples together in another entry, it's about time I posted this and also get rest as I gotta work all day tommorow.)
Ok, two things I want to point out first. No, I'm not a Pastor or anything, at least not yet :P But to be honest, I'm not 100% confident YET that "Pastor" is the role God can best use me in. Not saying He's not calling me in this area, just that there's many ways to give one's life to Christ in full-time Ministry...#2: Although I promised myself not to mention certain thingS in my blog, it's so hitting me in the face right now that I can't dare comment on this entry without sharing how through my devo God probably wants me to apply it in my own life! I dare not be so hyprocritical or try to raise myself above my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to only offer a GENERAL commentary they can use to help apply it in their own life, without giving my example of how I plan to apply the passage in my own...
Actually maybe #3: Even if I were a Pastor or whatever, I would not dare say THIS AND ONLY THIS is God's truth, it would still only be my opinion on the issue, hence why it's a "Commentary" as opposed to say another chapter of the bible.
The link in this entry leads to the NIV version of the Gospel of Matthew 5:17-32. Which is the passage from LBCM's daily devotion plan for LAST WEEK. But since I didn't have THIS week's with me, I figure I would read last week's "Wednesday", since I don't always use their guidelines (usually do it independantly since I feel the guidelines is more for NEWER Christians). Anyhow, it was so cool it was THIS particular passage for Last Wednesday cause I feel I really got a lot more out of today's bible study at CCF after reading it. I actually based my commentary up to verse 48 (end of the chapter) and I feel the passage helped me answer a lot more than just the two questions in the guideline, but most of the questions from the bible study as well (whether typed in the study's outline or people's questions brought up in the discussion). I've decided to break this up into two sections "General Commentary" and "Specific Application", I may not finish the second part right away, so you may have to go back to this blog entry again later:
GENERAL COMMENTARY
-------------------
I'm not going to list the entire passage here, you can use the link (click the blog title). Matthew 5:17-18 was mentioned in our discussion tonight, but I believe what comes AFTER is also important to understanding just whether or not we need to follow ALL of God's law. But I believe this passage is not focused on WHICH laws we do or not follow, but HOW we follow them.
I heard my English Pastor preach on Matthew 5:21-26 before, I will share more about this particular passage when I get to the "Specific Application" section. Due note though, this passage is a commentary on Arthur's rebuttal that "Thou shalt not kill" (Exodus 20:13, KJV) should read "You should not murder" (as it does in the NIV version). However, as stated in Matthew 5:21-26, I would particularly want to point to the KJV translation of Matthew 5:22 ->" 22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire." The NIV version takes out the "without a cause" clause and puts a footnote that it's only listed in "Some manuscripts". But I believe the point here is physically planning and murdering someone is not the only way to "murder" someone and as my Pastor put it, "murdering the person in your heart" can be just as bad, but in my opinion, IF NOT EVEN WORSE. Reason why I say "if not even worse", now I don't mean to sound cynical, nor do I condone murder at all, in fact I am strongly against it, but when you think about it, at least if you go ahead and murder someone, the law in most if not all countries will find some way to punish the offender. BUT rarely is there a law against hating people is there? Except perhaps' God's law, cause hate is not love, and as also brought up in our discussion, it would contradict what Jesus considered to be the second greatest commandment -> 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'. [Matthew 22:39] Matthew 22 is also a good related passage to read. I would especially like to point to verse 40 which comes right after: Matthew 22:40 "All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." I bring this particular passage up because during my Bible Study Methods Sunday school course, it came to my attention that "the Law and the Prophets" is New Testament wording to refering to all the books of the Old Testament. "The Law" -> books of Moses (first 5 in the bible, a.k.a. The Pentunauch [I'll have to double check that spelling]) "The Prophets" -> the rest of the books, mostly written by prophets, most which are also named after prophets. Perhaps this may involve some confession and searching deep into your own heart. Let's give a hypothetical example, let's say there's someone you "hate" or even "dislike strongly" for whatever reason, what if the very next day, while you are still furious with them, they die from a car accident or something, how would you REALLY feel about that? :O Could this be why God says "In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26, also in Psalms 4:4.
The rest of the passages carry a similiar message, I wanted to touch on the "Adultery" issue during our bible study today when someone was like "Do not commit adultery" when quoting the law. It follows Jesus' discussion of murder in Matthew 5:27-30. And I want to particularly point out Matthew 5:38 which is one example where it seems like Jesus is directly telling us to violate one of the more know old testament laws "eye for an eye". Again reinforced in Matthew 5:43. Therefore you see, it's not whether we follow this law or break this law that's the most important, not that I'm downplaying that Christians should follow certain "rules", but as pointed out by both myself and my Pastor, it's "following God that counts". Otherwise there would not be Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 4:16 -> "Therefore I urge you to imitate me." Which is later elaborated in 1 Corinthians 11:1 -> "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." AND 1 Peter 2:21 -> "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." which is the theme verse in that book I mentioned in my previous entry, "In His Steps"... HELLO LBCM Church theme :)
Well, now I'm really tired, perhaps God doesn't want me to type so much "general commentary" anyhow, sometimes I can be long winded I know... so I'm going to call it a night, even though I know I may not be able to remember the entire conclusion God gave me and type it all down if I do it the next morning... :( It's almost 4AM now... Hopefully you'll understand better when I share my "Specific Application" tommorow though. :) So I'll end off with Mark 14:38b -> "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
NEW ADDITIONS:
PERSONAL APPLICATION
---------------------
As I stated earlier, this will involve sharing about certain things that I probably mentioned in my earlier blog entries I would share, but didn't. However, I feel like God is pushing or nudging me to share since it relates to what He was telling me personally when I was reading this passage.
Even before I finished this, I had to take a break, listen to some Christian songs. I wonder, am I afraid? I should try to "be a man" about it... It's not like relationships (friendships) of the perSon/people I'm afraid of offending could possibly get any worse at this point anyhow. But I better not speak too soon.
Ok, no more small talk, time to talk about God's personal application of this passage for me and also requires that I confess my sins. As per my commentary on the Matthew 5:21-26 passage, I believe it is wrong to not be on good terms with other people. As it is already no secret if you've read some of my other blog entrieS, there happens to be a particular Sister in Christ that I confess, as I put it on my blog entry that I "hate". I feel I kinda "hate" her for my own selfish reasons. I wanted to get over her quickly, so I totally tried to elimate anything related to her or relationships in my mind. But thinking about it, can you really blame me? I loved her more than I loved anyone else in my life and the strangest thing is I don't even know why I would fall for someone like that. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that perSon, it's just not normally how I usually go about pursing my Christian relationships and she doesn't exactly fall into "my type" or have many of the qualities I look for in a wife from what I know of her so far. In fact there's many times I thought to myself "Why her? I rather be with ____
" and ____ because's she's more ______ (insert quality here) or whatever...involves several other single girls I could possibly pursue a relationship with. Another thing to note would be at the time I also considered God may have wanted me to be with another sister who's a very close female friend of mine. But somehow, for some weird reason, I felt myself drawn to her even though when I try to "logically analyze" the situation, I confess I would always in the back of my mind be thinking "How could I possibly be interested in a girl like that..." (Again, nothing wrong with her, but sometimes I can have pretty high standards in specific areas) Ok, after all that typing, I realize it's not exactly where I originally planned to lead this discussion (why "hate" is wrong), but now sharing something else. I guess I'll just go with the flow and finish this point FIRST as opposed to second (and with much less detail) as originally intended.
So more about me and this girl/siSter. I only bring it up because my caring fellow brothers (mainly brothers) and sisters in CCF are starting to ask questions about my MSN name and it's about time I share why I'm taking these "extreme measures" (or at least they interpret them to be too extreme). And I know this sorta goes againSt your requeSt to keep it between us and I'm Sorry, really Sorry, but I just don't want to turn this blog into just some sermon achieve and not share how it afflicted me too. Ok, this is not meant to be like gossip or for your entertainment, so please don't read it as such. My hopes is by better understanding how I felt, you will better understand why it is I request people keep certain romantic things "out of sight" to me. As I stated earlier, considering the possiblity that this girl might be "the one" for me, was always the last thing on MY mind! She just didn't meet MY expections (in fact far from them from what I knew of her at that point in time) of what I wanted in a mate, but yet, for some strange reason I was drawn to her. I always wanted my wife to be ___, ___ & ___, etc... She wasn't really what I considered a prime example of any of those qualities I wanted in a wife, logically I couldn't see why I would be attracted to her. In addition, compared to these other sisters in Christ which I also considered MIGHT be my wife someday if I decide to pursue a relationship with them, I probably knew her even less than the most aquintance-d of the sisters in my "potential wives" group. But yet I was attracted to her for whatever strange reason... so I began to question God as to the why?
Now, before I attempt to answer the why, perhaps it's good to explore how I've been "brought up" (a.k.a. "parented") in God's house when it comes to finding "the one". I guess this will involve summing up my previous romantic pursuits in a nutshell/paragraph. This would be the "past" I wanted to "put behind". Hmm... Lesson 1? "If the feelings aren't mutual, it can't be God's will." Something along those lines. That lesson I've now found to be the best joke of all. Now I'm not saying to marry someone who doesn't love you in return, but my point is lack of feelings alone should not be allowed to dictate what is and is not God's will. What I mean is "don't jump to conclusions" based on "present feelings and situation(s)". Ok, so bring in the real life situation, 6 to 7 years ago I had feelings for this one giRl in my church who did not feel the same way. Something I read in a Christian book "Boy Meets Girl", chapter 4 double confirms that Lesson 1 is pretty inaccurate. Sad to think I learned it from a "Pastor" too. Actually over the years, quite a # of people have told me different even pertaining to the situation with me and my fiRst Christian love. One of my Christian mentors, who's now married, WW taught me everything must follow God's timing and that even he got rejected by his WIFE the first time he told her how he felt. In addition, my previous English Pastor also said if I know that heR and I are God's will, I need to be patient and wait.
Ok, it's actually going to take longer than I thought to discuss my upbringing and there's many factors a Christian needs to consider and pray about when pursuing relationships... so I won't mention all of them in this post. Gotta get back down to point of how I'm applying this bible study material/devotion into my life. But to make a long story short, I did not come to the deciSion to purSue this new sister in Christ lightly. In fact even when I decided that my intentions to try to "only be her friend" perhaps wasn't the only thing God wanted me to do, I've prayed about it for a long long time before I took any explicit and clear action in terms of expressing the fact I want to consider pursing a courtship with her to her. Ever since I had my rElationship (if you wanna call it that) with E/EE ended 4 years ago (it stopped near the end of my second year in University), I have been praying to God about this marriage issue in my own life (and praying for others) for a LONG LONG time now. And I must say fairly diligently too, perhaps maybe too diligently. Always has been an open ended prayer, I just pray that God lead the way in this area. But then again, simply praying "God show me your plan for marriage" doesn't necessarily mean I just wait around forever and never take action nor does it suggest I just pursue any girl that I'm interested it. Ok, let's skip the part when I'm going to explain my opinion on the right method of pursuing a relationship.
It's now like over 2 weeks since I started this entry, it's time to finish what I started! This entry that is... So as you already know, I once had strong feelings for this girl. The strangest thing is maybe She knew how I loved her before I even realized I really did. Up unto a few months ago, I've honestly only wanted to be her friend, get to know her more, just treat her like I treat any other sister in Christ. A strange thing began to happen though, although I started to attract a lot of attention from other girls and sisters after I met this girl and we were only friends, I felt it was wrong of me to think of myself as a "free man" or also known as "available" for some strange reason. So then I began to pray about it. To make a long story short, without getting into my reasons and analysis of the situation, it's obvious I decided that perhapS She was the one, even though in MY heart I kinda wanted some of those other girls/sisters more than her... But after thingS went bad, I began to experience extreme sadness and because I've never felt that bad before in my life, as a result I kinda blamed what happened on her. As I was saying before, I hated her... but as for my application to this lesson, it's not God's will for us to "hate" anyone, THAT I do know for sure... So guess what? Now it's MY turn to "put the past behind" to stop hating her because of what happened. Here's another related verse for me to apply, I think I might have taken it from the footnote of the original passage:
[Leviticus 19:18] -> " 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD."
I'll always be "a friend"...
(I'm going to mention why I don't like seeing couples together in another entry, it's about time I posted this and also get rest as I gotta work all day tommorow.)
Friday, January 13, 2006
"Just as I am..."
Click here for music
As some of you may know, ever since hearing a few Nicole Nordeman songs at RHCBC I've become quite the hardcore fan of her songs. I was quite surprised to discover the "Even Then" song on my friend BC's blog was also by NN at first. But knowing how powerful and moving her lyrics, not to mention her voice, are, I'm not THAT surprised anymore. Her song "Tremble" was the first one I ever heard, while all of them can be quite the tear jerkers I've found if you take the time to reflect on them, I've found "Why" (the crufication song) the most touching thus far.
In one of the more recent sermons at LBCM (I think it was just a few days ago, but you know how I can be with the LAGGED blog entries), the Senior Pastor mentioned a story about one of the books I got for my Baptism that I've read half. Can't really remember if perhaps I finished it last year. A particular perSon really sparked an interest for reading (perhaps specifically Christian books) in me... Anyhow, jumping back to the point. I remember the one story he extracted from the book "In His Steps" had to do with one of the sisters in the church beautifully singing a song in the sermon. What he didn't mention was that song that brought those people to repentance was the classic "Just as I am"...Here are the lyrics:
Just as I Am, Without One Plea
Text: Charlotte Elliott, 1789-1871
Music: William B. Bradbury, 1816-1868
Tune: WOODWORTH, Meter: LM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
2. Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
3. Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
4. Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
5. Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
6. Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
"Even Then" - Nichole Nordeman
------------------------------
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
(Chorus)
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank-You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
(Chorus)
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to
P.S. BC, please don't take the song down from your page ;)
As some of you may know, ever since hearing a few Nicole Nordeman songs at RHCBC I've become quite the hardcore fan of her songs. I was quite surprised to discover the "Even Then" song on my friend BC's blog was also by NN at first. But knowing how powerful and moving her lyrics, not to mention her voice, are, I'm not THAT surprised anymore. Her song "Tremble" was the first one I ever heard, while all of them can be quite the tear jerkers I've found if you take the time to reflect on them, I've found "Why" (the crufication song) the most touching thus far.
In one of the more recent sermons at LBCM (I think it was just a few days ago, but you know how I can be with the LAGGED blog entries), the Senior Pastor mentioned a story about one of the books I got for my Baptism that I've read half. Can't really remember if perhaps I finished it last year. A particular perSon really sparked an interest for reading (perhaps specifically Christian books) in me... Anyhow, jumping back to the point. I remember the one story he extracted from the book "In His Steps" had to do with one of the sisters in the church beautifully singing a song in the sermon. What he didn't mention was that song that brought those people to repentance was the classic "Just as I am"...Here are the lyrics:
Just as I Am, Without One Plea
Text: Charlotte Elliott, 1789-1871
Music: William B. Bradbury, 1816-1868
Tune: WOODWORTH, Meter: LM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
2. Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
3. Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
4. Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
5. Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
6. Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
"Even Then" - Nichole Nordeman
------------------------------
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
(Chorus)
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank-You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
(Chorus)
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to
P.S. BC, please don't take the song down from your page ;)
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
MIT Classes...
Heh... the title is to just catch your eye. Like I would ever make it into MIT :P Well never say never I guess, if I ever have to return to school, I might not be able to get into MIT for Engineering, maybe Arts LOL :P Not to downplay Arts or my friends in that program, but just that based on what MIT stands for in the states, you would expect that to be one of the easier programs to get into. But for those who know what (single letter)I.T. also stands for, you should be able to figure out what MIT stands for ;) And as a hint, I don't mean "Man", "Musician"...If not, the blog entry should make it clear:
(I'm actually paraphasing some parts, but most of it is original copy and paste from MSN, edited out the MSN names, but some parts are cut out)
My talk with PJ (Pastor John) today wasn't extermely productive, he didn't tell me much of what I don't already know...I guess it's just whether I can apply what he said....but we're going to have more sessions in the future...Well he has others he probably needs to speak with too before he leaves so it's only going to be bi-monthly...In PJ's eyes, it's not whether God called me or not, he doesn't doubt He did, but PJ doesn't think I have enough confidence in my identity in Christ to be ready to serve Him in that capacity yet...I agree, if I know God wants me to do this, I shouldn't need anyone's approval, i.e. my mom (as in my biological mom), but I even have that now... even though I didn't get a chance to share that with PJ also... but ya, he's right, only I'm the only one who's still not confident enough of myself and who I am to take the next step yet...That's what our sessions are going to be for, he's going to help me find the confidence...But now that he's said his piece, it's really true though, I've probably just been in denial, even Yu Ling who's only known me for a year or two tells me something similiar, God may want me to use this temporary time period of unemployment to "really find (myself)".
And it relates to a lot of things, including when I worked for Nihon when I scratched a bit of the car on the blind side on my first day (the far rear left corner, but only because I just BARELY scratched it cause I couldn't see the water pipe or heater type thing sticking out besides the garage door opening as well at night on my first day), I got really timid and scared behind the wheel and my boss knew that with many of the cars I drove and I would always take the car REALLY close to the wall (because I can , but it scared some of them ) on the driver's side cause I was scared I might bang on the opposite side, he said things for example "Come on buddy, you need confidence... we can live without a side mirror...."
(Busy, going to end it here for now)
(I'm actually paraphasing some parts, but most of it is original copy and paste from MSN, edited out the MSN names, but some parts are cut out)
My talk with PJ (Pastor John) today wasn't extermely productive, he didn't tell me much of what I don't already know...I guess it's just whether I can apply what he said....but we're going to have more sessions in the future...Well he has others he probably needs to speak with too before he leaves so it's only going to be bi-monthly...In PJ's eyes, it's not whether God called me or not, he doesn't doubt He did, but PJ doesn't think I have enough confidence in my identity in Christ to be ready to serve Him in that capacity yet...I agree, if I know God wants me to do this, I shouldn't need anyone's approval, i.e. my mom (as in my biological mom), but I even have that now... even though I didn't get a chance to share that with PJ also... but ya, he's right, only I'm the only one who's still not confident enough of myself and who I am to take the next step yet...That's what our sessions are going to be for, he's going to help me find the confidence...But now that he's said his piece, it's really true though, I've probably just been in denial, even Yu Ling who's only known me for a year or two tells me something similiar, God may want me to use this temporary time period of unemployment to "really find (myself)".
And it relates to a lot of things, including when I worked for Nihon when I scratched a bit of the car on the blind side on my first day (the far rear left corner, but only because I just BARELY scratched it cause I couldn't see the water pipe or heater type thing sticking out besides the garage door opening as well at night on my first day), I got really timid and scared behind the wheel and my boss knew that with many of the cars I drove and I would always take the car REALLY close to the wall (because I can , but it scared some of them ) on the driver's side cause I was scared I might bang on the opposite side, he said things for example "Come on buddy, you need confidence... we can live without a side mirror...."
(Busy, going to end it here for now)
Interrupt of an Interrupt...
I know I promised some other blogs here today, but I've been busy the whole day, God has just done so much for me today, perhaps praying with my friend last night was a real blessing and God provided me with a day full of activities up until the very last minute before I go to bed to distract me from thinking about THAT issue. As a result I don't have time to finish those two blog entries yet, but again it is like an interrupt (or interruption) within an interrupt as we would call it in the Computer Engineering or real-time operating systems world.
Anyhow, omiting those jargons, this one crazy joke I came up with as an answer or medicine to the depressing feelings I'm getting over those issues is just TOO GOOD to not share, it's so funny (to me right now)! I think I can laugh myself to sleep, no "mom", it's not the one I shared with you on the phone, not like you ever read my blog anyway (assuming you stiLL don't), but it does related to our phone conversation somewhat, thanks :D
Joke
----
Hmm... so it's better to get married younger if one wants to have kids cause one has more energy, statima etc... But something I remember about what PJ told me about our time being single as a time to develop closer to God and similiar to what JH writes in his books, it's a "season" or time period dating or married people can never get back, a time to grow closer to God one on one that can never be done in the same way again once one is involved with another person. And it's true, for me these 25 years have truly prepared me and like Jesus who was single all his life, these last 7 years have really help God grow my faith to the point when I feel I am ready to take the next step in Ministry.
Ok, without further adieu, let's get on with the joke! Oooo yeah, this is a real floor roller, or in my case I don't think the bed will stop shaking on me tonight on this one (from my laughing, get your mind out of the gutter :P)... And again, when you read those entries I was going to finish, you'll see I mean no offense to my dating/married friends... So then what about those people who start dating and/or get married at a younger age (younger than the average age of marrying, not sure if the figure is for North America or a worldwide figure, but it's 33 so I'm "younger" than that average too at the moment, but not for long), perhaps for the purpose of raising childern? LOL, does it mean (i.e. God knows) "They aren't build strong to last long?" Ooohohohohoh... LOL, LOL, LOL....
So jokes... but in a way the jokes shorta on me, as some of you know my health hasn't always been too notch despite my efforts to say healthy, I guess not being able to sleep recently at night hasn't helped at all in that area... so as a result of me perhaps not having long to live, that might be why God has been nudging me and giving me so many positive signs that He wants me to step up to fulfill his call like NOW or ASAP and also why I'm still single I guess, cause I might not have long left... Like the line I should have included in my last blog entry about my constant crying. I heard it can lead to impotency or the inability to have kids, it almost happened to my younger brother once, he had to have surgery, not sure if it affects OLDER males too, but "not like I'll ever have a chance to use it to make kids though..." :( Perhaps it's again, what I want, versus what GOD wants of me... if I truly don't have long to live, I shouldn't have kids, not that I'm even near worrying about that now cause even though friends around me are being married off at the alarming rate of the movie "The Bachelor" except perhaps with a even shorter # of years span, I still don't even have a girlfriend yet... Argh, I won't be surpised if one day if I become more involved at the childern's ministry at my own church or a friend's church to be asked that same question by another little kid "How come you don't have a girlfriend? My brother's 22 (or perhaps it'll be like HALF my age the next time I'm asked), he has a girlfriend..." Ya, ya, ya, I don't have the heart to tell you this kid, but ("shut up") pleazzzeeeee...(the African American slang way of saying "please)
Anyhow, omiting those jargons, this one crazy joke I came up with as an answer or medicine to the depressing feelings I'm getting over those issues is just TOO GOOD to not share, it's so funny (to me right now)! I think I can laugh myself to sleep, no "mom", it's not the one I shared with you on the phone, not like you ever read my blog anyway (assuming you stiLL don't), but it does related to our phone conversation somewhat, thanks :D
Joke
----
Hmm... so it's better to get married younger if one wants to have kids cause one has more energy, statima etc... But something I remember about what PJ told me about our time being single as a time to develop closer to God and similiar to what JH writes in his books, it's a "season" or time period dating or married people can never get back, a time to grow closer to God one on one that can never be done in the same way again once one is involved with another person. And it's true, for me these 25 years have truly prepared me and like Jesus who was single all his life, these last 7 years have really help God grow my faith to the point when I feel I am ready to take the next step in Ministry.
Ok, without further adieu, let's get on with the joke! Oooo yeah, this is a real floor roller, or in my case I don't think the bed will stop shaking on me tonight on this one (from my laughing, get your mind out of the gutter :P)... And again, when you read those entries I was going to finish, you'll see I mean no offense to my dating/married friends... So then what about those people who start dating and/or get married at a younger age (younger than the average age of marrying, not sure if the figure is for North America or a worldwide figure, but it's 33 so I'm "younger" than that average too at the moment, but not for long), perhaps for the purpose of raising childern? LOL, does it mean (i.e. God knows) "They aren't build strong to last long?" Ooohohohohoh... LOL, LOL, LOL....
So jokes... but in a way the jokes shorta on me, as some of you know my health hasn't always been too notch despite my efforts to say healthy, I guess not being able to sleep recently at night hasn't helped at all in that area... so as a result of me perhaps not having long to live, that might be why God has been nudging me and giving me so many positive signs that He wants me to step up to fulfill his call like NOW or ASAP and also why I'm still single I guess, cause I might not have long left... Like the line I should have included in my last blog entry about my constant crying. I heard it can lead to impotency or the inability to have kids, it almost happened to my younger brother once, he had to have surgery, not sure if it affects OLDER males too, but "not like I'll ever have a chance to use it to make kids though..." :( Perhaps it's again, what I want, versus what GOD wants of me... if I truly don't have long to live, I shouldn't have kids, not that I'm even near worrying about that now cause even though friends around me are being married off at the alarming rate of the movie "The Bachelor" except perhaps with a even shorter # of years span, I still don't even have a girlfriend yet... Argh, I won't be surpised if one day if I become more involved at the childern's ministry at my own church or a friend's church to be asked that same question by another little kid "How come you don't have a girlfriend? My brother's 22 (or perhaps it'll be like HALF my age the next time I'm asked), he has a girlfriend..." Ya, ya, ya, I don't have the heart to tell you this kid, but ("shut up") pleazzzeeeee...(the African American slang way of saying "please)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Experiencing God...
I've been experiencing God so much lately, maybe cause I've been seeking extra hard for his presence since I can't find peace to sleep at night. I now do two devotions a day, perhaps to make up for my months of unfaithfulness, perhaps cause I need Him now more than ever...perhaps also because renouncing my faith through my actions after the first quarter of 2005 and also loSing even any trace of friendship with her and now I know that He's (my saviour) all I got...
But why Lord? Why? Why am I unable to rest? Is it cause you want me to spend more time on you? Will this ruin my health or will you pull me through it? Why won't you let me find rest?
I actually wanted to post another entry explaining the reason for my sleepliness today, but my plans have to change a bit and seeing how I'm experiencing the sleepliness RIGHT NOW, I think now is not a good time to post that entry. Besides I won't be able to do it justice when I feel God is leading me to post another entry He wants me to post first. Hmm... the blog clock must lag, it's actually 2:29AM Jan. 9th, I tried to sleep at 1AM, got to bed, but unfortunately I need "not even a hint" of relationships to stick in my mind to sleep... but I'm trying to reduce my exposure via any means necessary... rather sleep within 1 hour of not being able to stop thinking about it than 3 hours of it if I'm visually exposed to too much. Again, will explain in detail in another entry, let's just get one entry at a time. But prior to me finishing THAT entry, please don't judge *clears throat* i.e. my MSN name...I actually feel exhausted, been deprived of sleep for weeks. OR months if you count the weeks I've haven't been able to sleep cause I think it was because I wasn't submissive to His calling. But for this recent issue, it's been weeks. It's actually been going on for years, slowly creeping up to it, but now I've finally cracked and now it's crunch time, the sin that has been helping me sleep I say "no more" to, I lay it down at the foot of the cross, if it kills me, it kills me, "If I perish, I perish..." [Esther 4:16"b" or should I say "z"]...Besides as my friend said, that sin, as opposed to my present actions was more of that "temporary solution" that he described than any other. Not to mention, considering the timing I feel it may also be the #1 contributor to my current problemS, *sniff sniff* :'(
Anyhow, no more sidetracking, besides like I said, I'll need a seperate entry to do it justice. Even though I wanted to post that entry today, God wants me to post THIS entry instead, at 3AM almost it is now. I couldn't sleep, so I was doing my second devotion of the day. As we've been learning at church lately, Jesus' life is a life of interruptions. And also this whole "Master of Disaster" thing in the sermon this morning, things don't always go according to plan. "And if I die before I wake...", (paraphrase->"I want my blog readers to remember this quake..."...
This month I've been doing Genesis for devotion and also checking out the church devotion plan for either my first or second devotion... The call of Abram (later called Abraham for those who don't follow the bible) and the story of Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomarrah stick out in my mind. But tonight it's Genesis 22... ha... next chapter happens to be Gen 23... that out to be an interesting one when I write my OTHER entry I'm refering to above!
Anyhow, I was thinking about starting my cell group leader program for Sunday school "a month" in advance, but rather maybe I'll share about how I experienced God lately, I can copy and paste it for my application to TC SMU too.
Ok so how does the passage relate to me? Well I obviously don't have a son! But part of why "I'll make a good father someday", even though I told that Auntie not to say that cause I don't even have a GF yet, but she's like, not now, in 10 years time... Ya, MAYBE... If I last that long and God so desires; is cause God has given me lots of pratice. It hasn't been easy trying to be a role model for my brothers at the same time trying to balance University and church... AND also raising my spiritually adopted kids (or "sons" and "daugthers" of my own). I hate it when my "spiritual mom" is "right" when the truth she tells me hurts. But lately, I hate it when she's wrong and I go to bed trying to delude myself into thinking I can go to sleep even though I SAW ALL THOSE couples happy in their gifts today, but then the images haunt me when I close my eyes.
Ok AGAIN I can't seem to focus on what the He wants me to type but still focused on THAT! Sorry Lord! Ooo... my eyes just drifted to Gen 22:9 all of a sudden, the "Here I am" he replied. Also maybe cause it's the shortest printed partial verse in and the line that leaves the largest margin, but I think months of seeing God's leading and not just "this one verse" has spoken to me much more than I have time to share, perhaps see "My calling part 2" when I finally finish it.
Anyhow starting from the beginning, which I notice also has "Here I am" :O...Reminds me of that Majesty song... (singing break)
Majesty (Here I Am)
Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty
Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Written by Stu Garrard/Martin Smith ©2003 Curious? Music UK
It brought me to tears, so I decided to post the lyrics... when I got to the "Empty handed, but alive in your hands", it distracted me cause I remember my other friend B.C. also used it in her MSN name. The distracted interrupted my mediation hence less crying, but in a way it's a good thing since my younger brother just came in to ask me whether I should take Physics. I don't really need him to ask me if I'm alright right now. Also I've found people can't really see me cry with these cheapo lens that don't seem to be very clear looking in. No wonder I can't attract any eye contact :P Just kidding. I had to put "I wish I had perfect vision" on a survey I did in Sunday school this morning cause I couldn't think of anything else physical I would rather change about myself.
Ok, it's late I'm going to try to zzz again, finish the entry in the morning when I recap this before my morning devotion, going to try to distract myself with some video games or something ;), I so wish I had Initial D in front of me now... want that PS2 and steering wheel system so bad...It really helped me sleep last night when I played a few games...I don't really care so much if the wheel, even the PS2 one turns out to be a bit unreponsive, "it's the thought that counts".
But why Lord? Why? Why am I unable to rest? Is it cause you want me to spend more time on you? Will this ruin my health or will you pull me through it? Why won't you let me find rest?
I actually wanted to post another entry explaining the reason for my sleepliness today, but my plans have to change a bit and seeing how I'm experiencing the sleepliness RIGHT NOW, I think now is not a good time to post that entry. Besides I won't be able to do it justice when I feel God is leading me to post another entry He wants me to post first. Hmm... the blog clock must lag, it's actually 2:29AM Jan. 9th, I tried to sleep at 1AM, got to bed, but unfortunately I need "not even a hint" of relationships to stick in my mind to sleep... but I'm trying to reduce my exposure via any means necessary... rather sleep within 1 hour of not being able to stop thinking about it than 3 hours of it if I'm visually exposed to too much. Again, will explain in detail in another entry, let's just get one entry at a time. But prior to me finishing THAT entry, please don't judge *clears throat* i.e. my MSN name...I actually feel exhausted, been deprived of sleep for weeks. OR months if you count the weeks I've haven't been able to sleep cause I think it was because I wasn't submissive to His calling. But for this recent issue, it's been weeks. It's actually been going on for years, slowly creeping up to it, but now I've finally cracked and now it's crunch time, the sin that has been helping me sleep I say "no more" to, I lay it down at the foot of the cross, if it kills me, it kills me, "If I perish, I perish..." [Esther 4:16"b" or should I say "z"]...Besides as my friend said, that sin, as opposed to my present actions was more of that "temporary solution" that he described than any other. Not to mention, considering the timing I feel it may also be the #1 contributor to my current problemS, *sniff sniff* :'(
Anyhow, no more sidetracking, besides like I said, I'll need a seperate entry to do it justice. Even though I wanted to post that entry today, God wants me to post THIS entry instead, at 3AM almost it is now. I couldn't sleep, so I was doing my second devotion of the day. As we've been learning at church lately, Jesus' life is a life of interruptions. And also this whole "Master of Disaster" thing in the sermon this morning, things don't always go according to plan. "And if I die before I wake...", (paraphrase->"I want my blog readers to remember this quake..."...
This month I've been doing Genesis for devotion and also checking out the church devotion plan for either my first or second devotion... The call of Abram (later called Abraham for those who don't follow the bible) and the story of Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomarrah stick out in my mind. But tonight it's Genesis 22... ha... next chapter happens to be Gen 23... that out to be an interesting one when I write my OTHER entry I'm refering to above!
Anyhow, I was thinking about starting my cell group leader program for Sunday school "a month" in advance, but rather maybe I'll share about how I experienced God lately, I can copy and paste it for my application to TC SMU too.
Ok so how does the passage relate to me? Well I obviously don't have a son! But part of why "I'll make a good father someday", even though I told that Auntie not to say that cause I don't even have a GF yet, but she's like, not now, in 10 years time... Ya, MAYBE... If I last that long and God so desires; is cause God has given me lots of pratice. It hasn't been easy trying to be a role model for my brothers at the same time trying to balance University and church... AND also raising my spiritually adopted kids (or "sons" and "daugthers" of my own). I hate it when my "spiritual mom" is "right" when the truth she tells me hurts. But lately, I hate it when she's wrong and I go to bed trying to delude myself into thinking I can go to sleep even though I SAW ALL THOSE couples happy in their gifts today, but then the images haunt me when I close my eyes.
Ok AGAIN I can't seem to focus on what the He wants me to type but still focused on THAT! Sorry Lord! Ooo... my eyes just drifted to Gen 22:9 all of a sudden, the "Here I am" he replied. Also maybe cause it's the shortest printed partial verse in and the line that leaves the largest margin, but I think months of seeing God's leading and not just "this one verse" has spoken to me much more than I have time to share, perhaps see "My calling part 2" when I finally finish it.
Anyhow starting from the beginning, which I notice also has "Here I am" :O...Reminds me of that Majesty song... (singing break)
Majesty (Here I Am)
Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty
Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Written by Stu Garrard/Martin Smith ©2003 Curious? Music UK
It brought me to tears, so I decided to post the lyrics... when I got to the "Empty handed, but alive in your hands", it distracted me cause I remember my other friend B.C. also used it in her MSN name. The distracted interrupted my mediation hence less crying, but in a way it's a good thing since my younger brother just came in to ask me whether I should take Physics. I don't really need him to ask me if I'm alright right now. Also I've found people can't really see me cry with these cheapo lens that don't seem to be very clear looking in. No wonder I can't attract any eye contact :P Just kidding. I had to put "I wish I had perfect vision" on a survey I did in Sunday school this morning cause I couldn't think of anything else physical I would rather change about myself.
Ok, it's late I'm going to try to zzz again, finish the entry in the morning when I recap this before my morning devotion, going to try to distract myself with some video games or something ;), I so wish I had Initial D in front of me now... want that PS2 and steering wheel system so bad...It really helped me sleep last night when I played a few games...I don't really care so much if the wheel, even the PS2 one turns out to be a bit unreponsive, "it's the thought that counts".
My calling part 1...
People tell me I preoccupy myself with the whole relationships issue, SO not true, in fact it's the opposite, I'm taking EXTREME measures to avoiding thinking about it, I just didn't want to leave certain important entries half finished, but in interest of timing and proving I'm really trying my best to get the iSsue off my mind..
To save typing FTM->Full Time Ministry
As you already know, I've been gradually seeking out my calling from God for at least 6 or 7 years now. So in maybe a few paragraphs I'll try to summarize what God has been doing in my life since then.
I first received the calling during my first year at summer camp at the end of my Gr. 12 study year. Up unto summer camp, I had always had the heart for evangelism and was very pleased that those I've talked to at the chinese gospel camp even as a young, unexperienced Christian did come to accept Christ by the end of the camp. The point is, being an evangelist of some sort from the beginning I have seen as my calling.
For the last few years, I've been giving nothing short of God's guidance through various servants of His. Even the first day during the Engineering orientation at Ryerson I met a Missionary's son who was a VISA student here in Canada who has been a good role model for my first 4 years at Ryerson (then he graduated).
Lately I've been sharing about this calling with other servants of God from other or those training to be servants of God. i.e. Julian Wong, Pastors from other churches, representatives at the Christian Colleges and University fair, etc...So far everyone has been very encouraging and telling me stuff like "If you know that's what God wants you to do, go for it!"; "God is doing His work, now you must be sensitive to His calling."; Nothing but positive encouragement in the last 3 months. And what you said about "God never asked you if you're ready, God asks if you're willing" during that sermon really clinched it!
To save typing FTM->Full Time Ministry
As you already know, I've been gradually seeking out my calling from God for at least 6 or 7 years now. So in maybe a few paragraphs I'll try to summarize what God has been doing in my life since then.
I first received the calling during my first year at summer camp at the end of my Gr. 12 study year. Up unto summer camp, I had always had the heart for evangelism and was very pleased that those I've talked to at the chinese gospel camp even as a young, unexperienced Christian did come to accept Christ by the end of the camp. The point is, being an evangelist of some sort from the beginning I have seen as my calling.
For the last few years, I've been giving nothing short of God's guidance through various servants of His. Even the first day during the Engineering orientation at Ryerson I met a Missionary's son who was a VISA student here in Canada who has been a good role model for my first 4 years at Ryerson (then he graduated).
Lately I've been sharing about this calling with other servants of God from other or those training to be servants of God. i.e. Julian Wong, Pastors from other churches, representatives at the Christian Colleges and University fair, etc...So far everyone has been very encouraging and telling me stuff like "If you know that's what God wants you to do, go for it!"; "God is doing His work, now you must be sensitive to His calling."; Nothing but positive encouragement in the last 3 months. And what you said about "God never asked you if you're ready, God asks if you're willing" during that sermon really clinched it!
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