Confessions of a insomaniac...

Here's some quote/paraphases from my MSN conversations which I call my drifting story:

I had to do some crazy driving/drifting on New Year's eve when driving back home from work... hehe, all that snow drifting in Initial D really pays off... ;) The cAr slipped on some something, maybe it was ice, but luckily I mastered the art of drift-countersteering or there could have been consequences...I didn't slip on purpose. I normally don't try to drift the car in real life unless I know there's no cars around, i.e. I go to an abandoned parking lot to pratice. Every car drives different so while I've got a pretty good hang of drifing different cars from playing the game, being able to master one's own car or in my case, my mom's car, you gotta pratice occasionally to see how it handles. I had traffic behind me so I didn't want to slow down to change into the right lane, the guy in the right lane wouldn't slow down to let me in and it was almost time to turn right... perhaps I should have just tried to go around, I don't remember if that was a T intersection though... anyhow so I had to speed up to pass him and also get into the right turn lane to make the turn into one of yield sign right turn lanes, but then all of a sudden the car slipped on something and lost control, the tail drifted out to the left... I gotta pretty scared but I used my "skills"... I had to do a drift in one of those yield sign right turn lanes... at least that's where I think the tail was, it was crazy... that's a really TIGHT drift:-O:-O Jesus might have helped me a bit on that one, even though I was at the wheel, I normally don't drift that good even if I'm trying to; Plus I've been a bit out of pratice. I haven't been playing Initial D as often as I used to, although I have been mainly sticking to praticing the snow course in the game. However, if the car's tail kicked out any later or earlier, the consequences could have been dire. So although I know I'm good at controlling a car when it's drifting, the road conditions that day and when and how the car started to drift, that wasn't intention nor under my control, thanks God. :)

Ya, and also me not hitting the wall or in this case, the turn, ya, I had to get pretty close to the inner curb to make the turn too... I wonder what the person in the right turn lane was thinking... haha, he/she was probably scared too... but next time they better pay attention to my signalling right and if they're behind me, they should know to slow down...

It's a new year, people talk about resolutions, plans, etc... so I figure maybe I should blog a bit about what's new with me. I was thinking to change my blog name to the subject of this blog "Confessions of a insomaniac..." Hopefully I won't have to... We'll see... but ya, "Secret Life of Agent K"... my life really isn't so secret anymore, not that it's a bad thing, but at first I didn't think anyone cared, I didn't think anyone would ever read my blog, so I'm kinda glad to be wrong on that one...

I just took a lot of scolding and yelling from my physical mother when I came home late from a New Year's Eve Bash... but that's the way she always is... she overreacts to every little thing. If I drop my dinner on the floor by mistake, she'll want to bring the roof down also. And the way she yells, the windows will go first if she was high pitched enough and then comes the walls when she throws her big fit(s)... Sometimes I think it's genetic, and my mom thinks so too, but maybe it's also parenting. Regardless, It's fairly evident that my mom isn't the only person in my biological family who "takes things too seriously". By the grace of God I'm trying to change, and it's happening, but it isn't easy. How does one put up with being raised with a single parent who constantly overreacts in your face. I really have a hard time not blowing up back at her sometimes. Most of the time I can keep my cool, but sometimes she just gives me too much "angry mom" rubbish or decides to push my buttons (make me angry) by using the one thing she knows will tick me off, which s to use my Lord's name in vain (it seems like she wants to tick me off when she's ticked off herself so she does it in purpose in my opinion!)

I know she cares and all and she just wants me to get a good night's rest as I gotta wake up for church in about 4 to 5 hours, but it's not like I can sleep anyway, that's why I don't care, cause I know I'm going to have trouble sleeping after seeing things that cause me to have trouble sleeping! (UNFINISHED)

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Ok, now it's actually January 1st night time. My head still feels like it's up in the clouds. Going to try to get some good sleep tonight, I estimate I'll fall asleep soon and hopefully sleep in till like noon the next day. Been sleep deprived the whole week.

(CONCLUSION IS ACTUALLY IN MY "Interruptions" Entry)

Eight crazy nights...

Well for me it's more like "eight crazy months" maybe.

I was watching this movie on CityTV the other day by Adam Sandler that was a good movie. A.S. movies always make me feel better about myself, but lately I've found them hard to enjoy cause I can't even seem to stand romance scenes on TV anymore. It saddens me to think how cold and heartless I've become after thingS went bad between us, but maybe that's God's way of helping me get over it. At least I hope it's God... cause right now I feel like I don't give a ____ that She doesn't want to talk to me, it's her problem, not mine, sad to say, you can even say I "hate" her.

So what went wrong? This is what the movie I saw "Eight Crazy Nights" is about. It's about this boy or in my case, "boy" Christian (spiritual age, but now I'm like spiritually 8) who used to be a really good kid and all, your model, church poster child if you wanna call him. But the faith in the movie is Jewish, it's about the 8 days/nights of Hanukkah (excuse zee spelling). Anyhow, point is, he was a good kid turned into a very bad adult that didn't care about anybody else's feelings, spent his life drinking and partying and being dead drunk most of the time got himself into a lot of trouble. Ironically I forgot to catch the movie so I missed the beginning, I only saw it starting from when he was already bad with some flashbacks and then when he repented. Oh and also there's some divine intervention involved and God/Jehovah (Jewish faith) leads him into repentance. Watch it, it's a good movie, but I rather not spell it all here, I rather talk about how it affected my life.

Here are some lyrics from the song in the movie:

Davey: It all seemed so long ago
Jennifer: Young and happy don't you know
Davey: Down by the creek I would show
fireflies to that girl.
Jennifer: But that was back when he was nice
Davey: Before my warm heart turned to ice
Whitey: My sister's wig once had lice
Jennifer: But that was long ago
Davey: The schoolyard's where we were,
the first time I kissed her.
Jennifer: He thought he got some toungue
Davey: But it was only retainer
Whitey: Eleanore's bra is a trainer
Davey: Well over theres my family home
Jennifer: And the woods we used to roam
Whitey: The only time I had sex was on the phone
Phone sex lady: But that was long ago
Davey: I carved our names upon that tree
Jennifer: I loved him and he loved me
Man: My darling wife was once a he
Man's 'darling' wife: But that was long ago
Jennifer: He'd always whisper in my ear
Davey: But then I started drinkin' beer
Whitey: My jewels got licked by six frisky
deer
*Deers giggle*
Jennifer: Now he's just a loner and a lier
Davey: And my trailor's caught on fire
fire!?

(the main character is Davey, the one I'm relating myself to)

Sometimes I wonder if I've become unlovable because I've been rejected too much or I am rejected too much because I'm now unlovable. I must have been rejected 10 times straight in a row now, yes I think it is up to #10 now. I don't even count anymore. And this doesn't include girls who for some stupid reason ignore me cause they think I'm interested in them in that way but when really I'm not. This is just 10 girls that I actually were pursuing that have rejected me explicitly.

"You know I read something in the reader's digest that those who cry when they are hurting are actually stronger than those that hold it inside."

"Unlovable", unlovable, oh why do I fight it?

Intro song:

Only Hope
Lyrics by: Switchfoot/Mandy Moore (http://www.switchfoot.com)

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Ok so how all this relates to my own life, well going to get to that! But it's late and I need to work tommorow so LOL another UNFINISHED entry, I'm not really into finishing blog entries one bit!

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FINISH THE ENTRY??? (Current date is now January 6th, 2005)

Actually I have decided NOT to finish the blog entry. And it's not just I'm too lazy or busy with other stuff. I'm not going to share about how this movie touched my life for several reasons.

1. I really don't want to have to think about it anymore. Going to post more about this in a more recent entry.
2. It may violate certain promiSes I made to keep things confidential if certain people read it.
3. I kinda delayed this entry too long :P And since I've been trying to surpress certain memorieS, I really won't be able to share exactly what I was feeling on this day anyhow.

Even though I don't have exams, I've been really busy lately and I just going to "quote" again. I just want to PUT AN END to all that Stuff that made me majorly confused... This is how I feel, I'm wide awake and I see the hard road God wants me to walk and yes the "perfect sky" is torn... But that's just the way love is, and I don't just mean romantic love, but all forms of love, you're going to see the other person for who they really are and if you still love them, it's worthwhile... Jesus does the same for me and you :)

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah Lyrics

Copyright © 1985 Leonard Cohen and Sony/ATV Music Publishing Canada Company.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Love hurtS...

I've been able to forget about this issue a lot easier and faster. Truth is my faith in Jesus allows me to know it's either not His timing or not his plan for uS to be together...I wasn't real sure what She saw we had. But to me, I loved her and I wasn't sure if it was God's plan, so I kept praying and asking about it, but I guess I kinda pushed it too much too soon and didn't follow God's timing again... wouldn't be the first time... And eventually I felt so sure She was the right one for me, but now I dunno what to think and my faith is again challenged...Anyhow, now She kinda scared of me and I dunno what to do but just pray. I know I came on too strongly, but sometimes when you're sure of something, you're just sure and you put all your faith in it and you just kinda wanna go for it... But I want to try to express how I feel, I always tell myself I'm quite the poet and chrolographer i.e. song lyrics, I wanna try my hand at that right now. I just want to use normal everyday language first... All I want to say is I don't believe in starting relationships with aquintances either and as a result I've been maybe trying to get to know certain people better a bit too much if you know what I mean... But even though I know you even less than those other girls, sometimes I just get these feelings and even though it seems bad or hard at first, I trust God it's for the best. I guess I can't blame her, these things take experience and a mature mindset. But learning to trst in God through all circumstances, I guess you can't really do that till you start learning how to trust him more and more especially through the tough transitions times in life, like going from highschool to University and University out into the working world, etc... Yes, L, you know what I'm getting at... :P Anyhow onto the artsy way of doing things...

Hard to breathe, feels like floating...
So full of love, my heart's exploding...
Mouth is dry, hands are shaking...
My heart is yours, for the taking...
Acting weird, not myself...
Dancing around, like the Keebler elf...
Finally time, for this poor shlub.
To know how it feels, to fall in lub.
-Adam Sandler's greeting card from the movie Mr. Deeds

Remember Me
artist: Leslie Parrish

remember me

I feel you so close to me
I hope you still think of me
even I know you found another love

you took away my chance to
be with you forever
to be your love and stay together
you gave away the precious love
that we had to somebody else
oh baby I wanna tell you

remember me
remember everything we used to be
can you feel my heart pounding, pounding
will be forever, will you
remember you, remember me
I remember everything we used to be
'cause my blood is still pumping, pumping
will be forever, will you remember me

I need you, but it's o.k.
I know that, I'll find my way
I will begin to find another love

you took away my chance to
be with you forever
to be your love and stay together
you gave away the precious love
that we had to somebody else
oh baby I wanna tell you

remember me
remember everything we used to be
can you feel my heart pounding, pounding
will be forever, will you
remember you, remember me
I remember everything we used to be
'cause my blood is still pumping, pumping
will be forever, will you remember me

I feel you
even I know........

be with you forever
to be your love and stay together
you gave away the precious love
that we had to somebody else
oh baby I wanna tell you

remember me
can you feel my heart pounding, pounding
remember you, remember me
'cause my blood is still pumping, pumping
will be forever, will you remember me....

NOW I WILL ATTEMPT TO WRITE MY OWN MATERIAL
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(going to have to try hard to ignore all those song lyrics and poetry, etc... that I know...)

Hard to describe how I feel...
Having trouble keeping it real...
I know I don't have much money...
But I just feel so lonely...

Even though I don't know you much...
My heart I felt you touch...
I know for sure we are through...
Just remember I loved you...

(Oooo, this is good stuff, I'm going to add more before I switch to song lyric writing...)

I wanted to be your man,
But maybe that wasn't His plan?
I tried to my best to trust...
My faith was weak as rust...

I know I can get over you,
But does God want me to?
Our love helped me repent,
Now I just built the tents.

SONG LYRIC TIME:

Verse 1:
I've been alone for many years,
nobody to lend me an ear,
But my savior alone...
However, it is time I should,
find a helper who will,
help me to build a home...

Chorus:
Nothing in this life last forever...
But I wanted our love to...
Wanted to love you...
Wanted to follow His voice...

Verse 2:
Finding you was a miracle,
Didn't expect to find you,
Someone who could love me...
Maybe you don't know me that well,
But you know that I'm a Christian
Yes my past is ugly...

Verse 3:
(UNFINISHED, yes another unfinished blog, but that's the way I am!)