Where's the love?

(Just to clarify, I'm not refering to "our" love, agape not eros)

Recent activitieS have lead me to study 1 Cor 13 in more detail =) I have another more recent entry also related to that passage that I will post later, but I wanted to finish talking about this topic for a long time now. That is my "lessons learned" through the suffering of summer 2005, a.k.a. "my worst summer ever".

I'm reminded by this verse which someone dear to me holds on to...

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." -2Chron 7:14

It's true... I guess all of this started the same way it ends. God's love can't be given to the same perfection as by humans. God knows I'm not dumb, but sometimes I can be "thick skulled" and it takes time for things to finally "click", but I know myself, the longer I suffer (or take to learn), the better the lesson. I think this is the lesson God was trying to teach me over the summer! Sadly sometimes I know I hurt a lot of people around me in the process, whether those on my softball team, those in my church, those in my family, etc... etc... and maybe even the one girl (hopefully not) who's my "very heart <3". It's like that sermon at my church yesturday based on the book of James, God does TEST our faith!

Johnny Wong wrote:
p'sKid~ wherever You lead me.... says:
kevin.....Jesus is alive.....stop feeling sorry for yourself.....God is the source of true peace and joy.....why is your soul downcast?!?!? go read psalm 42

Ironically I already read it on the previous Wednesday at CCF. Well I'll take this "prescription" again later after this blog for sure though!

----------End of today-------:

That was a really great passage my favourite P'sK! Just what the Doctor Jesus ordered. "Bring on Jesus"... I found verse 3 particularly applicable to my situation with my mom (except she's a "woman"):

" 3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

My stomach's still not 100% so I better take another day off work to see if it's illness or stress...

I've recently been picking up some bad habits, I wouldn't say blogging is evil, but not being able to sleep at night cause fear of my short-term memory and disorganizing and wanting to post this BLOG ASAP cause God has been so good to me today, is a bit extreme. And I'm sure it's time for me to "sabath". But I'm just going to put it in point form first and expand on it later:

1. MCBCSL made a very big mistake on rejecting me as softball captain... it turned me into the very monster they expected me to be. I know it sounds harse at this point, but again I'm using as little words as possible and I'm going to explain why it went bad. But anyone from my local church and even Christians from other churches that I know that I wasn't the same person after being turned down this opportunity to serve Him...

2. But nobody, other than Jesus is perfect. And even though they are a Christian organization, "lead by Christ", they aren't perfect and they don't know me as well as Jesus does. Even as a "Good Christian", I make mistakes. I made one by allowing this to get to me as much as it did and not turning away from my thinking but allowing myself to be transformed more and more by giving Satan that extra foothold one after another.

3. If I don't forgive MCBCSL for making that BIG MISTAKE. I'm no better than MCBCSL... It was a very bad mistake on their part... in fact, I actually probably scared more people away NOT being a captain than being one... and for that I'm sorry. It was wrong of them to be unchristlike and show favourtism to give a second chance to someone else but not to me. But likewise I will be no better if I don't give MCBCSL a second chance and boycott the entire committee for life like they did to me for the summer by holding the same very "grudge" they held against me against them.

1 Cor 13:5 ->"Love keeps no record of wrongs". I'm going to explain my interpretation/insight of the "easily angered" part tommorow. I was using a study bible and God lead me to some very deep insight on this whole "anger" issue.

-K

"Detailed" Theological Explaination:
-------------------------------------

I don't believe hiding what happened between MCBCSL and me is going to solve the problem. I think it's best to lay it out in the open, and I don't want people in the league to think I'm leaving because "I have problems with the league". In fact there are also other reasons why I want to join CCSA besides not being totally content with MCBCSL and if I leave next year for those God honouring reasons, I hope you all realize it's not cause I'm still holding something against the league.

I simply felt they were being unchristlike in a few areas when it came to them rejecting me. Favortism, Unforgiveness, going against God's calling....Now I don't have anything personal against my 2005 Captain Jonathan, yes, he tends to over react and get angry at things he shouldn't really react that fiery too, but he knows that and he's trying to change. He's in my prayers and so is the league. But as previously stated in one of my Friendster Bulletins, it's not him I despise, but the league's lack of faith and trust in God to allow me to captain.

But let's put God first! :) Seeing how God allowed me to be free all summer and how I had an earning to repay the league for the love I've had from my previous captains and teams and felt CALLED by God to Captain that summer as I'm also familiar with the time commitment involved, but God took care of that too. I honestly believe everything was ideal in God's eyes for me to take that position. I was ready, willing and prepared. Sufficient to say, Captaining rather than staying at home dwelling on the fact that I still don't have a job, etc... etc... "worse summer ever"... would have made things turn out more positively. Instead, I held this grudge against the league and I allowed it to manifest from a little evil to something that almost totally destroyed my life spiritually, mentally, and physically.

But at this point, you're probably asking WHY? Simple, when I'm sure of something and I know it's God's will, especially when it comes to serving Him, God has never let me down, He always provides me with what I need to serve Him if I'm willing, and I already had what I need, just not the opportunity. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." [2 Cor 12:19] This also makes me jump ahead to the previous entry about how in the sermon the speaker mentioned I believe it was the word "trial" or "testing" in chinese is the combination of "danger and opportunity". Ya, I heard this sermon like twice, once in RHCBC and then again in Logos, someone please correct me if I'm wrong. The outline theological content is the same, but the context and application really helped me get a lot out of the Message (see "Time foR putting the past bEhind" entry for further details).

Satan knew this, he knew allowing the league to reject me would destroy me. He wanted to crush my spirit and sadly I allowed Satan to succeed... I know now God wanted me to commit to full-time Ministry perhaps as early as September 2005, cause now I already know now where God wants to lead me and if I have had these 3 months with God during June to August instead of September to November, I would probably be studying my seminaries now instead of my current sufferings as a result of my own disobedience to God. I am in no way blaming the league for this, they couldn't have known, but I'm just stating what happened...But I think I'm ready now, here I am Lord, please send me... :') Why am I tripping so much over this $33,000 pebble when I know "God can move mountains"? (Thanks Joyce Ma for those lyrics) Our church expansion project costs 20x that, if it's God's timing and divine providence, I really have nothing to worry about...If God wants me to do something, I should have faith He will provide in one way or another, whether through a job or other sources.

In a similiar way I lacked faith in God, MCBCSL also lacked faith in me and God. That verse I quoted earlier, the full form as quoted by Paul...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. [2 Cor 12:19]

It's like CCF's program this week and I quote "Worse yet, the world looks at us and has seen this UN-LIFE-CHANGING faith for a long time now." I don't feel surprised if the world looks at some Christians this way (hopefully not all Christians), but for a Christian softball league to look at me that way? Is this Christlike? My faith was fine before being rejected, but now that I have been, my faith has been broken, my relationship with God hindered, I have cried non-stop everynight of this week for to restore my relationship with Him to what it was before being rejected.

Now I'm not saying the league is wrong for accusing me of those PAST mistakes. I confess what I did wasn't right, but I think likewise the league has to live up to it's own responsibility that what they did wasn't completely right either. As the bible says "The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." [John 1:5] I don't believe leaving everyone in the dark if I decide not to play in MCBCSL next year is the right solution at this point since I already told at least 5 people how I feel, I don't want any negative feelings I may have held before towards the league or the league has towards me to remain unresolved in the "darkness". The bible teaches us it's always better to resolve problems than to leave them hanging.

Ok, what the league did?; The "unchristlikeness" I perceived that made me feel so upset... I felt it was going against the love of Jesus by showing favourtism. I happened to know some people ACTUALLY stopped playing softball because of the actions of a captain last year in the league. Yet, the league refused to let me captain because of what MIGHT happen. This really upset me. BIG TIME! My view of the entire summer basically took a downhill spiral after that. Campus Challenge was great, it was my first experience being a cell group leader and I felt really content to be given that opportunity to meet new Christians from different campuses and serve. But then I get home right after CC and they call me and tell me this news... I have to admit, it hurt me more than heR or hEr rejecting me! I guess cause it felt to me like God was rejecting me and I love God much more than I love any sister in Christ, not that I don't love "you" very much, I hope you know I do. =) But my as my friend Jason said, my love for God must surpass my love for anyone else because at the end of the day, it's just me and the One Jesus Christ who holds my hand :) (see song at end of blog).

Ok, why I thought it was unchristlike. Let me throw out the verses first:

(UNFINISHED)

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
-------------------------

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from the sunshine

'Cause the skies might turn to grey.
And I don't worry about the future,

'Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
'Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.

There are things about tomorrow
That I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds, they are silver lined.

And, over there the sun it's always shining *****Here is where the
There, no tears will ever dim the eye correction is.
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.
There are many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Yes I know who holds my hand.

Check it-> http://jlfoundation.net/tomorrow.html